No More Babies

Mornings are the worst. I wake up after a restful or maybe not so restful slumber and as soon as I open my eyes I remember. My babies are gone. My daughter and now my son too. I hate waking up like this because it is like someone kicks me in the gut every single morning, before I even get out of bed. It is such a terrible way to start the day.

I am not doing so good. My marriage is not doing good at all. I keep praying to the Lord and asking Him how in the heck did he think my marriage could survive another loss of a child? It is not fair. I was talking to my Bishop yesterday and I told him that I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out what I have done to deserve this kind of devastation in my family......this kind of heartache. Because I don't care what anyone says, this does feel like a punishment. How could it not? Two of my children just died.....no sickness, no warning. Just stolen in the night.

I am so hurt. It has been eight weeks since our Jonesy's passing and life goes on. It doesn't seem right and it doesn't seem fair. I have to make myself get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other. I don't want to go on. Not without him too. GOD please hear my cries and make this right again. He could have made it right. When I was performing CPR on my baby boy, I prayed harder than I ever have before to please just make him breath. Give him a breath. Give him life. He could have, but he didn't and I will never understand.

Everyone says I am strong, but I am not. I am teetering on the edge. I want my baby boy back, but there will be no more babies......ever.