I Just Don't

School ended today. Summer is finally here and I am sitting here on the couch bawling my head off. I am really struggling today. I am missing my two little ones so much. This does not feel fair. I don't really want to get up anymore and put on a happy face. I really just want to disappear.

I see little three year olds everywhere I go. Little girls, little boys. It is also so hard for me to see babies. My baby boy would be seven months old in five days. I want him back. I want them both back. These have been the longest and hardest nine weeks of my life and I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm so hurt and so very tired. I was doing so good finally after three years. I don't know why I had to give up another one of my kids. I feel like I scream and cry to God and the answer I want is never going to come. I don't really even want an answer. I just want him to fix it.

I used to be jealous of parents that had never lost a child, but now I am jealous not only of them, but of parents that have just lost one. How awful is that?

So much heartache and I don't want it anymore. Everyone around me just moves on. My parents, my siblings, my children, my friends and I am always just stuck right in those two moments. Waking to find my two children gone. How will I ever heal from this? How can I be a good mother to my kids here? I don't want to live without my children. I just don't.