She Was Still My Baby........Always My Girl

I remember being absolutely terrified as Tess's viewing approached the Friday evening of the 23rd. She passed away on Wednesday, April 21, and I had not seen her since that morning when the coroner came and took her away. I remember feeling so torn those first two days that we were apart. I felt guilty for not being with her and also felt intense guilt for letting someone take her away. I should have demanded to go with her.....wherever she was going. I was her momma, I should have been with her. As the evening started approaching on the 23rd, Bryan, my parents and I were going to go early, to be able to spend some time with her. Before anyone else got there. I was petrified to see her and at the same time I could not wait. I didn't know what to expect. How do you ever prepare yourself to see your child in a casket? I remember as soon as we walked into the room that she was in, how tiny her little casket seemed to look in that massive space. As I got closer to her, I screamed out. I was heartbroken and I am sure that my scream was part agony, but I also think I screamed because I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt such relief. Even though my daughter was lying in that casket, she was still my gorgeous baby girl. I was still so proud of her and proud to show her off. I immediately picked her up and felt such peace. Such comfort to be reunited with her after those two days.

She will be turning two years old in just a little over a week and a half. The anticipation of this milestone does a number on my heart. I keep telling myself that this all happened for a reason and our reunion as mother and daughter will be like no other. All of this will be worth it.....right? I can not wait until the day when I can sit and rock her, kiss her head and smell her hair. What a special baby she is. I would do it all again a thousand times over.

Memories I Can Hold in My Hands

I am pretty sure before Tess was born, I went on to the Pampers website and signed her up. Not really sure why? I think I thought they might send me some coupons or something. So every month (I'm sure all you other mothers already are familiar with this)I get an email on her progress as she gets a month older. Several days ago, I checked my yahoo account and there it was.

Month 23 - Get Ready to Celebrate
Hello Jordan,

Can you believe it's already time to plan another birthday party? And don't forget to plan a little celebration for yourself, too, for getting through these first two years with flying colors! In this issue, learn about your child's latest developments, catch up on vaccinations, pick up some getting-dressed tips, and more.

My heart sunk a little while reading this. It was just another reminder that she won't be here with us celebrating her second birthday. Another part of me kind of likes getting those updates every month. I guess it makes her seem more real. She was really here and is not just a beautiful dream.

I have saved all of her things. Her carseat, stroller, bumbo chair, all of her clothes whether she wore them or not and anything else that reminds me of her. Most of it is sealed up in storage containers in our storage unit. I haven't looked at most of it since right after the funeral. It is just comforting to know that it is there. I found a few kind of strange things that I have in the house with me, that I can't get rid of just yet either.

A prescription that Tess was given just two days before she passed away. I love to look at her name printed out on the bottle.

The last bra I wore while nursing Tess. Still has some breast milk on it and I can't bring myself to wash it just yet.

The little sleeper that she was wearing the morning that she passed away. I keep it folded up inside a drawer in my nightstand. I like to take it out every so often and just hold it.

Prayer and Peace

Yesterday, I was feeding Saylor and as he was falling asleep, I began to pray out loud. I prayed for the Lord to help me to get through this next month as Tess's second birthday approaches. I prayed to have this depression and sadness to be lifted so that I could be the wife, mother and daughter that I was put on this earth to be. I prayed that I would have, maybe not this very moment, but someday the peace that I so much want. I prayed to be a more faithful daughter of God and to not let this tragedy cripple me anymore than it has spiritually, physically and emotionally. I immediately fell asleep with my baby boy and we took a short nap in the recliner. When I woke up a short time later, I didn't feel sad. I felt the renewed strength that I could get through this month and that I could get through this earthly life.

I read this talk tonight and wanted to share a few paragraphs of it.

Donald L. Hallstrom
Of the Presidency of the Seventy
April 2010 Conference Address

If you feel you have been wronged—by anyone (a family member, a friend, another member of the Church, a Church leader, a business associate) or by anything (the death of a loved one, health problems, a financial reversal, abuse, addictions)—deal with the matter directly and with all the strength you have. “Hold on thy way” (D&C 122:9); giving up is not an option. And, without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. We are promised that we will “suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ” (Alma 31:38). Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.

His most exemplary act, the Atonement, required Jesus to descend “below all things” (D&C 88:6) and suffer “the pains of all men” (2 Nephi 9:21). Thus we understand the Atonement has broader purpose than providing a means to overcome sin. This greatest of all earthly accomplishments gives the Savior the power to fulfill this promise: “If ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence … , if ye do this, he will … deliver you out of bondage” (Mosiah 7:33)

I have asked my daddy many times since the passing of my daughter so many questions. How would I ever get over it? How will I ever find the peace to know that I didn't do anything that caused her death? He has told me that through the Atonement, Christ has not only suffered for my sins and paved a way for me to return to be with my daughter, but he has also carried and felt these same burdens and pain that I feel now. Through the Atonement, I will find the peace and comfort that I so desperately want and need. I often instead of having the faith that I should and turning to the Lord, I have questioned Him. I have had such a very hard heart for a long time. I have wanted to blame the Lord when I should have turned to Him for strength and comfort.

I was so thankful for that peace that I felt yesterday after my prayer. I might wake up tomorrow and feel like I have so many other mornings since Tess died. How will I get up and face today without her? I know that I might have to get on my knees for the rest of my life asking for the strength to grow and learn from this tragedy. I know that it will probably never be easy. I do know that when I do, my Savior will be there to carry me through those times. I have already felt Him doing so.

More Midnight Ramblings

Finally Did Another VLOG

Christmas With The Cousins

This year for Christmas, three out of my four siblings came from out of state to my parents house. Avery and Scarlett had been looking forward to their cousins, Rikki and Tye that were coming from Tennessee. Rikki is about a year younger than Avery and Tye is six months older than Scarlett. We were all excited to meet their new (well not so new baby sister) Tana. She is 11 months old and our family had never met her. My sister Carly and brother in law Andrew also came up from Farmington, Ut and brought along with them their little Beckam. This precious kid should have his own television show. He has the cutest personality and is almost freakishly smart. I didn't get as many pics as I would like but here are a few.

Tye Boy

Beckam

Tana

Rikki

Avery and Rikki

Scarlett

I Love This Man.......That Is All

My sweet husband just came in the living room looking all flushed and really like he had seen a ghost. He said that he had had his first real "episode" where he thought Saylor wasn't breathing. We had just came in from a day out and about with the all of us. Lunch, a little shopping and just enjoying one last day together before the girls go back to school. Bryan just put Saylor down because he had fallen asleep on the way home. I guess he went back in our room and when he looked down to check on him he looked like he was gone. At that moment when Bryan came in and told me what had happened, I felt such empathy for him. Because I know how he felt. He is usually comforting me....actually always comforting me. I could see that he was shaken up and I hugged him. We tried to laugh it off, like we always do.

My husband has been my rock in so many ways throughout all of this. I am so vocal with my grief and he is not. I have been selfish and have not always thought how this has affected him. He did bury his child too. I think that he has suffered so much silently like so many men and bereaved fathers do.

Bryan is not perfect. Neither of us are. He is always there for me and will always be. I know that in my heart. He takes care of our family and has taken care of me when I couldn't hardly take care of myself. He is truly my best friend and I am so thankful that he is the father of my four children.