Thursday, January 16, 2014

A Baby Hunger

The sweet birth mother that was carrying the baby we were going to adopt miscarried the baby last night. I was trying not to get my hopes up, but this morning when I found out, I bawled my eyes out. I guess I saw a glimmer of hope of holding a baby, my own baby in my arms again.

Another grieving mother without my knowledge set up a Gofundme account to try to help raise money for a tubal reversal for me. I have weighed my options and researched a little, and I think that my best option for conceiving and for being safe is to try IVF/ in vitro fertilization. I have had 5 csections and a tubal reversal is another surgery. I just don't think it is the safest option for me.

All I think about is having a baby, I just don't know if Bryan and I can raise this money in the time that is needed. I pray that someway, somehow, this can happen for us. My daughters tell me at least twice a week, how much they want another baby brother or sister. It breaks my heart, not to be able to give them this. I ask myself at least 50 times a day, why in the heck did I get my tubes tied. I thought I was making the right decision for my family at the time and who would have thought in a trillion years that another baby would have died. Im beyond devastated.

I have grieved the loss of a child, knowing that I could get pregnant again and now I am grieving the loss of a child, knowing I can not ever have another baby. It is ten times worse. I not only grieve for my sweet Tess and my dear Jones, but I grieve the inability to reproduce ever again in my life. It is horrible. I explain it to people like this. You go through periods as a woman and mother where you are baby hungry. You have a baby and that hunger is filled, but then 10 weeks later or almost 5 months later that baby is stolen. Never to come back. You are still baby hungry and it is magnified!!!!

Please if you know a way or have any ideas of how I can reach this goal please help me. I am swallowing all my pride and asking for some help. Anything. Peace and love.

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