Five Months

It has been five months since I saw her sweet face. Five months since I held her, smelled her, nursed her and loved on her. I was driving down the road a couple of days ago and it hit me that I hadn't seen my daughter in five months. I must still be in some sort of denial because it will still shock me sometimes that my baby is dead....that she is gone and not coming back in my lifetime. This is the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do. There is no manual on how to carry on after you bury your child. I wish there were because sometime I feel lost and I don't know how to be the person that I thought I was anymore. I wish I weren't the mother that lost the baby to SIDS, but now that is a part of me and will be forever.

I do know that I am also the mother of two beautiful girls that need me so much. Avery with her tenderhearted sensitive little personality and Scarlett who is our little spitfire. I know I have to get up everyday and continue to be their mother because that is what the deserve. They have been my saving grace these first few months and continue to have that childlike innocence about life that I am thankful they have not lost.

I am doing so much better than I was even a month or so ago. I know that it was the Lord's will that Tess was taken. This poem was sent to me by a dear sweet mother who has lost two of her children. It helped put things in perspective for me.

To All Parents
by Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"