All of it is done. The arrangements were made, the funeral was planned and our baby boy was laid to rest. It has been a month since our lives changed in such a profound way. But this is not new to us. This is the second time. Bryan and I talked today and we both decided that we think that the shock is finally starting to wear off. It is starting to really hit me. I knew that this is what happens after all is done and everyone and everything goes back to normal. That is when things get bad. Really bad. It feels so wrong to go back to work, go back to doing homework and doing all the things that we have to do day to day. That is how life is. It goes on.......we go on. I do not want to though. Not this time. It feels so unnatural to me to continue living when two of my children are dead. It feels like I should just lie down and die. There are many moments that I want to. I probably spend more moments wanting to die right now than I do wanting to live. I can't though. Everyone around tells me I can't. I know I can't, but right now I just don't have the fight in me to want to go on. I am trying. For my three here, I am trying. Trying to get that fight back.
I absolutely feel spent. I do not know how I am going to do this again. I miss him so much. I miss his sister so much. This feels like too much for one heart to take. Too much for one mother to bear. Why would God think that I could do this again? Why would He ask this of me? This is what I am asking myself every minute of every day. Please continue to pray for me.....for us. :)
3 comments:
Oh Jordan, I pray and think of your guys all the time. My heart hurts for you, Brian and your kids. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this again. It isn't fair one bit. I'm really so so sad.
Love your honesty. We can't imagine what you're going through, but know that Aaron and I think of you guys and pray for you often. Stay strong, you are an inspiration to many.
Jordan, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS! Sharon
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