What A Difference a Year Makes

We are still living aren't we? Has it really been a year and have we really survived this? I have had so many emotions the last couple of days. When we lost Tess, several people told me that the first year would be the hardest. I do feel like I am starting to come out of a sort of fog. That doesn't mean that I don't still have really cruddy days where I feel sorry for myself and still question why? I have struggled with what I did wrong and how could such a healthy baby girl just die with no explanation. It still doesn't seem fair. I don't drink, don't smoke, I breastfed all my kids, none of them have ever been in daycare and I thought I knew what I was doing as a mother of a new infant. I think it would be easier to deal with if we knew why she died. Having no closure is some sort of torture. I have come to the realization that you really can't prevent SIDS. You can do everything right and if they are going to be taken by SIDS......they will be taken.

I am still grieving and at the same time preparing my home and my heart to welcome a new baby. I know that this will be such a joy and blessing to our family. As my due date becomes closer, I do feel a lot of anxiety. I am scared to bring a new baby home and am scared how I will handle the insecurities I have as a mother. I know that I chose this and I know that if I wasn't up for the challenge that I probably wouldn't be pregnant now. I pray that I can find some peace in the next few weeks as we wait on little Saylor's arrival and that I will be comforted when we bring him home.

What a difference a year makes. I know that my Tessie is with our Heavenly Father and she probably is looking down on me and routing me on. I know that my brother Jesus Christ is mindful of me and of my heartache. I am so thankful for his Atonement, so that I might have a chance to be with Tess and with all my children forever. I am trying to count my blessings each day and focus on "what is" rather than "what is not". I have so many things to be thankful for.