Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Wonderful Blessing......Why Am I Sad?

We found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant. My obgyn put me on clomid about 6 weeks ago and the first month on it, I got pregnant. It seems like a miracle considering my last two girls were five years apart. We thought that I was going to have more trouble getting pregnant and that is why we decided to start trying so soon after Tess passed. I never thought it would happen this soon and though I am ecstatic, I am also really sad. I feel guilty for feeling happy, knowing that my daughter is dead. I feel anxious all the time, thinking of all the things that can happen to this baby. I found this blog tonight that talks about pregnancy after SIDS and the woman that wrote it, describes the feelings I am having exactly.

The decision has been made and the little pink/blue line has appeared...CONGRATULATIONS! You are going to have another beautiful baby. You will go through the typical pregnancy symptoms that all moms-to-be go through...morning sickness, ach...es and pains, bloating etc. But YOU will also go through something much more. Instead of exclusively feeling joy, you may find that sadness and fear creeps into your pregnancy. You find yourself panicked at the thought of losing another baby...you find yourself worried about whether you will bond as closely with this baby as you did with your SIDS baby...you will entertain thoughts of mortality and the uncertainty of the future. YOUR pregnancy is not the one that is written about in all the pregnancy books and magazines on the market. YOUR pregnancy is a pregnancy after a devastating loss...and that DOES make a difference. Along with your growing excitement (and belly!) your fears will grow.

I pray that the Lord will give me the faith to know that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to.


The Taylor Family said...

oh jordan congrats!! take it day by day, enjoy the good days, and dont b afraid to ask for help on those harder days!!

me said...

Jordan, I'm so glad that you left a comment on my blog. I've been thinking of you and your family for a long time. I can't pretend to know what you've been through, I can only hope that the road you've traveled and will continue to travel will be one that will bring you closer to our Heavenly Father.

I have link on my blog, under the 'Boat Floaters' tab, that reminds me of you each time I read it. If you feel so inclined, I encourage you to read it. It is the Sullengers link.

You are in my thoughts.