tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55568716460793899612024-02-19T09:44:37.113-07:00Rainbow MomentsBryan Jordan Avery Scarlett Tess Saylor JonesJordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.comBlogger153125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-35237636666191871782014-01-16T00:54:00.002-07:002014-01-16T00:54:31.498-07:00A Baby Hunger The sweet birth mother that was carrying the baby we were going to adopt miscarried the baby last night. I was trying not to get my hopes up, but this morning when I found out, I bawled my eyes out. I guess I saw a glimmer of hope of holding a baby, my own baby in my arms again. <br />
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Another grieving mother without my knowledge set up a Gofundme account to try to help raise money for a tubal reversal for me. I have weighed my options and researched a little, and I think that my best option for conceiving and for being safe is to try IVF/ in vitro fertilization. I have had 5 csections and a tubal reversal is another surgery. I just don't think it is the safest option for me.<br />
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All I think about is having a baby, I just don't know if Bryan and I can raise this money in the time that is needed. I pray that someway, somehow, this can happen for us. My daughters tell me at least twice a week, how much they want another baby brother or sister. It breaks my heart, not to be able to give them this. I ask myself at least 50 times a day, why in the heck did I get my tubes tied. I thought I was making the right decision for my family at the time and who would have thought in a trillion years that another baby would have died. Im beyond devastated. <br />
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I have grieved the loss of a child, knowing that I could get pregnant again and now I am grieving the loss of a child, knowing I can not ever have another baby. It is ten times worse. I not only grieve for my sweet Tess and my dear Jones, but I grieve the inability to reproduce ever again in my life. It is horrible. I explain it to people like this. You go through periods as a woman and mother where you are baby hungry. You have a baby and that hunger is filled, but then 10 weeks later or almost 5 months later that baby is stolen. Never to come back. You are still baby hungry and it is magnified!!!! <br />
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Please if you know a way or have any ideas of how I can reach this goal please help me. I am swallowing all my pride and asking for some help. Anything. Peace and love.<br />
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Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-35915210924755967722014-01-01T15:14:00.001-07:002014-01-01T15:18:41.258-07:00Grateful For the StruggleIt is hard for me at times to find anything positive when thinking about the deaths of my two children. I feel like grief is sometimes, very selfish and I have spent countless hours, wallowing in my sorrow and in my sadness. I have thought many times, "No one on this earth, can hurt as bad as I do. No one on this earth could possibly ever know the depths of my despair." I had an experience a couple of days ago, that made me thankful.......actually thankful for what I have lived and for what I have suffered in the last 3 1/2 years. <br />
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Tuesday, Scarlett and I had several things that we had to do and errands that needed to be ran. We went to the gym, we both had to go to the dentist, we went to the grocery store and we went to pick up some prescriptions at the pharmacy. We drove through the pharmacy drive-thru and I was greeted by one of the pharmacy techs that always is there and always helps me. I said, "Hey woman" and then told her which prescription I needed to pick up. She went back in and got my prescription and came back to get my money and my signature, and I asked her without even really thinking, "How was your Christmas?" She looked back at me and said, "Not good, my husband died." I immediately just felt such intense and unconditional empathy for her. I said several times over and over and I made sure that I looked deep into her eyes, "I'm so sorry. I am so very sorry." She went on to tell me that they had been married for 45 years. I told her again a couple of more times, how sorry I was and she replied back, "I can tell that you are and I really appreciate your kindness." Right before Scarlett and I drove off, I told her that I would pray for her. As soon as we drove off, Scarlett and I pulled over in our car, and we said a prayer for this sweet lady to feel some peace and to be able to get through the next days, weeks and months without her companion. <br />
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I have thought about this encounter with this sweet lady for the last couple of days. If I had not been through what I have been through and continue to walk through, I would not have felt the same way about this woman or about her loss. I felt thankful that I could hopefully let her know that I was so sorry for what she was going through and that I truly cared. Maybe that helped to left her spirits just a little and help her get through that day. I have known and still know suffering on a daily basis and I pray that I can learn to have more true Christlike compassion and empathy for everyone I come in contact with. Every single day. I was thankful in that moment on Tuesday, to have gone through what I have and going through what I am. I want to be a better person after all is said and done. A better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and human being. Maybe one day I will look back and be completely grateful for the struggle. Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-88433732675184966372013-11-24T18:09:00.001-07:002013-11-24T18:09:39.476-07:00Nov 14, 2013 (+playlist)<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Z2H1WNAtn_4" width="459"></iframe>
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Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-26499978811575187842013-11-03T16:39:00.002-07:002013-11-03T16:39:31.816-07:00New Vlog<br />
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/tf2OZmmkNcA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-67234604014533863722013-10-11T23:27:00.003-06:002013-10-11T23:27:29.383-06:00Keepin' It Real<br />
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<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/XsJq47rSyv0?list=UUvKmUUPXCSzm8B4BOAShdTA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-42735270631640068562013-10-03T00:25:00.002-06:002013-10-03T00:25:35.667-06:00Almost One / SIDS Research <br />
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5 1/2 weeks and my baby boy turns 1. Well, should turn 1. Pretty much from now until April will be me anxiously waiting and wondering if I will have a nervous breakdown as we get to November and Jones' 1st bday in heaven, get through the holidays, make it to February and Tess's 4th bday in heaven, get to March which marks Jones's 1st anniversary of his death and then less than a month later remember Tess's 4th death date as well. As I sit here thinking about what I just wrote, well I just feel numb. I honestly still am in disbelief that I have given birth to 5 children and 2 have just went to sleep to never wake up again. I am in disbelief that instead of planning my Jonesy's 1st bday, I will fret and fret over what I can do to celebrate a deceased child's bday. Will think that nothing we do, is just not good enough. Never good enough to adequately show our babies how much we love them. How much we remember them. I'm still in disbelief that I will have another child who has their first birthday in heaven. It's not fair. <br />
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On another note. My babies and my family have been asked to be in a research program that studies sudden infant death. If you don't know much about SIDS then you wouldn't know that the doctor and the team that she has doing this research.....well they are kind of big in the SIDS world. Dr. Hannah Kinney, renowned pathologist and SIDS researcher and from Boston Children's Hospital has asked to study us. Our babies pediatric records, their autopsies and even sweet Jones's brain (which I just found out had been saved by the medical examiner). Dr. Kinney explained to me on the phone several weeks ago, that Jonesy's brain had been saved by the medical examiner because his brain weight was twice that of a normal 5 month olds brain weight. Random, but everyone of my babies have had huge heads. My husband has a huge head as does his dead. I also have a fairly large head as does my daddy. This post is all over the place but Dr. Kinney explained to me how going back to the 1980s SIDS researchers have found links between babies with large head circumferences and SIDS. There is a doctor on her team that has focused his part of the research on this. It is unpublished but she said that he thinks he has found a gene in these babies with large heads. She told me that he is so excited to have finally found a family with this familial trait of large heads and that have this SIDS history. Called the study with us groundbreaking maybe. Anyway, Bryan and I are going to give out DNA as are any other family members that want to participate. This is one of the only things that has given me any comfort in the last 6 months. I keep thinking maybe this is why 2 of my babies have died. Maybe they will be help solve this terrible mystery of why healthy babies go to sleep and never wake up. I pray. <br />
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I have had a rough few days. Hard for me to function. I don't know how to do this. I'm trying though. Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-56029256848585002482013-07-11T23:19:00.001-06:002013-07-11T23:19:23.615-06:00My Babies<br />
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I wish I could see and hold them again, even just like this. That was one of the hardest things about the whole funeral experience. Knowing there was going to eventually be a moment that they were going to close the casket and I would not get to see their face again in this earthly life. That was really really hard on me. I think these two were two of the most gorgeous babies both inside and out to ever be born. I guess they were too perfect.....too pure for this wicked world. They will always be my babies. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcSXUjKzP3CIxND9wxyqeL05Vi6dS_v3MSGsL-qvEKZ9p_FgZuCfazYlZlAyjaCfdi0waLy0rJJgWUepl-1v4o5cfYWx0g3Wrn5Jrg8CPgwLZGpkUsA2DPDHVN38jSn0l2TTc3HoLcWfTt/s1600/Tess+viewing+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcSXUjKzP3CIxND9wxyqeL05Vi6dS_v3MSGsL-qvEKZ9p_FgZuCfazYlZlAyjaCfdi0waLy0rJJgWUepl-1v4o5cfYWx0g3Wrn5Jrg8CPgwLZGpkUsA2DPDHVN38jSn0l2TTc3HoLcWfTt/s320/Tess+viewing+3.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaGbMdVulRPiGNJBEDXkx2NuYO8hAKdp5aa-KdXIp0ZlctoIhJqWiDN4PS3Dxg-HVvnFxtx4DMTyfc9Om2kOguaANpgG3btCmQ_Z-0JkkXPoaZCThapjzFiR-R2wYM3cmwEXY5nxURhYoy/s1600/Jonesy+in+his+casket.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaGbMdVulRPiGNJBEDXkx2NuYO8hAKdp5aa-KdXIp0ZlctoIhJqWiDN4PS3Dxg-HVvnFxtx4DMTyfc9Om2kOguaANpgG3btCmQ_Z-0JkkXPoaZCThapjzFiR-R2wYM3cmwEXY5nxURhYoy/s320/Jonesy+in+his+casket.jpg" /></a></div>My babies. Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-44799522140110142013-07-11T11:36:00.001-06:002013-07-11T11:38:57.367-06:00We Are Five<br />
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A fellow bereaved mother brought my attention to this poem and last night as I read it, it really touched my soul. The poem is by William Wordsworth and published in his Lyrical Ballads. It describes a discussion between an adult poetic speaker and a "little cottage girl" about the number of brothers and sisters who dwell with her. The poem turns on the question of whether to count two dead siblings. This little cottage girl reminded me of my own two daughters and how they might answer the number of siblings they have when asked by strangers. I thought that the little girl in the poem, even though the narrator is trying to convince her otherwise, knows that whether they are on earth or in heaven she still had six brothers and sisters. It is sweet and terribly sad at the same time. I loved it though. <br />
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We Are Seven<br />
By William Wordsworth<br />
———A simple Child,<br />
That lightly draws its breath,<br />
And feels its life in every limb,<br />
What should it know of death?<br />
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I met a little cottage Girl:<br />
She was eight years old, she said;<br />
Her hair was thick with many a curl<br />
That clustered round her head.<br />
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She had a rustic, woodland air,<br />
And she was wildly clad:<br />
Her eyes were fair, and very fair;<br />
—Her beauty made me glad.<br />
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“Sisters and brothers, little Maid,<br />
How many may you be?”<br />
“How many? Seven in all,” she said,<br />
And wondering looked at me.<br />
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“And where are they? I pray you tell.”<br />
She answered, “Seven are we;<br />
And two of us at Conway dwell,<br />
And two are gone to sea.<br />
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“Two of us in the church-yard lie,<br />
My sister and my brother;<br />
And, in the church-yard cottage, I<br />
Dwell near them with my mother.”<br />
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“You say that two at Conway dwell,<br />
And two are gone to sea,<br />
Yet ye are seven! I pray you tell,<br />
Sweet Maid, how this may be.”<br />
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Then did the little Maid reply,<br />
“Seven boys and girls are we;<br />
Two of us in the church-yard lie,<br />
Beneath the church-yard tree.”<br />
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“You run about, my little Maid,<br />
Your limbs they are alive;<br />
If two are in the church-yard laid,<br />
Then ye are only five.”<br />
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“Their graves are green, they may be seen,”<br />
The little Maid replied,<br />
“Twelve steps or more from my mother’s door,<br />
And they are side by side.<br />
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“My stockings there I often knit,<br />
My kerchief there I hem;<br />
And there upon the ground I sit,<br />
And sing a song to them.<br />
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“And often after sun-set, Sir,<br />
When it is light and fair,<br />
I take my little porringer,<br />
And eat my supper there.<br />
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“The first that dies was sister Jane;<br />
In bed she moaning lay,<br />
Till God released her of her pain;<br />
And then she went away.<br />
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“So in the church-yard she was laid;<br />
And, when the grass was dry,<br />
Together round her grave we played,<br />
My brother John and I.<br />
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“And when the ground was white with snow,<br />
And I could run and slide,<br />
My brother John was forced to go,<br />
And he lies by her side.”<br />
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“How many are you, then,” said I,<br />
“If they two are in heaven?”<br />
Quick was the little Maid’s reply,<br />
“O Master! we are seven.”<br />
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“But they are dead; those two are dead!<br />
Their spirits are in heaven!”<br />
’Twas throwing words away; for still<br />
The little Maid would have her will,<br />
And said, “Nay, we are seven!” Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-28740503684908591372013-07-11T11:18:00.000-06:002013-07-11T11:18:21.466-06:00LIfe After SIDS VLOG: 8 months old, therapy and Bryan's sons<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/6w0MwaYqnkM?list=UUvKmUUPXCSzm8B4BOAShdTA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-81090975886127643292013-07-07T21:27:00.001-06:002013-07-07T21:27:48.596-06:00Faith<br />
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I am trying. I really am. I think that I am functioning in some ways, a lot better than I did the last time. My heart feels much worse, so I don't really know how that could be. I can't even really explain how I feel. I guess I feel kind of numb most days. Maybe that is a way that my heart protects itself. It is almost like I feel like I am outside of my body lots of times just watching my life happen. Like I am not really living it, just watching. Just existing. That is what this feels like for at least the first year. <br />
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I miss Jonesy so much. How can such a little person who you didn't get to even spend that much time with, leave your whole being with such an empty feeling? The house even is so much quieter without him. He is always missed. He would be 8 months old tomorrow. I would give anything to just have one more day with him. He was such a mama's boy. Anytime I would come in the room, I would get the biggest smiles. He was already pushing up and rolling all over the floor. He was almost 5 months old and seemed so strong and healthy. God, why did he have to go to. <br />
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I am just so dang heartbroken. I wish I knew why I was chosen to carry such a burden, because I don't know if I can do it this time. I want to be happy. I want to do what the Lord wants me to do. I have to hold on to the faith that all of this will be worth it in the end. I have to hold on to that faith. I pray that my babies know how much I am fighting to do what is right, to follow the Lord and to make it back to them. Faith is all I have to hold onto. Promises and faith. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpGvCqIOVa8xWwaNSkmONlSzdouBtdweDWgW0KzJUe0RqF4vU7WuA2qCrnBd1L7wxndwE7PPCdioom80j1jI5V048GcC60ErOdCZ9TFs4G5hvNiWRTdwM8iOqi-Qj0l-DiWhdns-pTaduV/s1600/March+2013+385.JPG" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpGvCqIOVa8xWwaNSkmONlSzdouBtdweDWgW0KzJUe0RqF4vU7WuA2qCrnBd1L7wxndwE7PPCdioom80j1jI5V048GcC60ErOdCZ9TFs4G5hvNiWRTdwM8iOqi-Qj0l-DiWhdns-pTaduV/s320/March+2013+385.JPG" /></a>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-28992432101655455212013-06-29T16:04:00.002-06:002013-06-29T16:04:35.847-06:00Life After SIDS VLOG: Phone Appt With Dr. Goldstein Part 2<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/nteqp3OkY7E" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
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Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-25288675279387553882013-06-27T23:24:00.001-06:002013-06-27T23:24:01.115-06:00Life After SIDS: Phone interview with Dr. Goldstein<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/wpOu7GWdti8" width="459"></iframe>
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Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-49906373632106858402013-06-17T21:48:00.003-06:002013-06-17T21:49:02.116-06:00Life After SIDS vlog: 11 weeks. Beware: The UGLY Cry<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/oexlLzX9X-c" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-64135526548151363992013-06-13T19:34:00.003-06:002013-06-13T19:34:46.106-06:00WhatevHere I am again sitting here contemplating life and such. Here I am again wondering how other mothers can begin to fathom how completely devastating and debilitating losing a child is. I have a hard time understanding how any woman that has had a child can't seem to get it just a little, but especially a mother of a baby right now. This is a horrific and lonely place to be. Especially for the second time. Terribly lonely. I will never understand. Never never never. Will never get how those that used to be a part of my life just don't give a crap. They have their kids......their baby. Whatev. Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-17221586628173137082013-06-13T08:53:00.000-06:002013-06-13T08:53:26.394-06:00Perspective<br />
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We are faced with all kinds of problems -- financial, relationshiop, illness, loneliness, aging -- the usual life problems. But all pale in comparison to the heartbreak of losing a child. After we've been through that tunnel of grief and pain of child loss, nothing else seems to carry as much of a heavy weight on our hearts. In fact, life would seem great in spite of all of the usual life problems if we could have one thing -- if we could have our child back! There is nothing -- absolutely nothing -- that can compare to the depth of pain of losing a child! God bless every parent, every family who is in the trenches of heartache from child loss!-Silent Grief-Child Loss Support Facebook Page<br />
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As I was strolling through Facebook this morning, this post hit me like a ton of bricks. I found out something about a week ago that should have made me, at least I thought, more upset than I actually am. Something that in my past life, before losing two children, I always thought would bring me to my knees. What I have been struggling with after finding this out, was not how devastated I was, or hurt, but how I wasn't so devastated or so hurt. I keep thinking, why am I not mad? What is wrong with me? Am I just dead inside that nothing hurts anymore? NO!!! I am not dead or crazy, but compared to burying two of my children, any other trial or problem pales in comparison. Something that at one time might have, killed me, just doesn't now when I look back and realize what I have survived. I always think of what blessings I might have gained or will gain from losing Tess and Jones. I am thinking that my perspective on life is a blessing. I am grateful for the ability to really know what might kill me and what won't. I can get through or get past most anything. At least I hope I can. :)Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-54835564912073393852013-06-06T20:56:00.003-06:002013-06-06T20:56:51.929-06:00Life After SIDS vlog: June 6, 2013<br />
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/XDiNDdewb5U" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-24967844591266159982013-06-03T17:56:00.002-06:002013-06-03T17:59:18.996-06:00I Just Don't<br />
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School ended today. Summer is finally here and I am sitting here on the couch bawling my head off. I am really struggling today. I am missing my two little ones so much. This does not feel fair. I don't really want to get up anymore and put on a happy face. I really just want to disappear. <br />
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I see little three year olds everywhere I go. Little girls, little boys. It is also so hard for me to see babies. My baby boy would be seven months old in five days. I want him back. I want them both back. These have been the longest and hardest nine weeks of my life and I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm so hurt and so very tired. I was doing so good finally after three years. I don't know why I had to give up another one of my kids. I feel like I scream and cry to God and the answer I want is never going to come. I don't really even want an answer. I just want him to fix it. <br />
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I used to be jealous of parents that had never lost a child, but now I am jealous not only of them, but of parents that have just lost one. How awful is that? <br />
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So much heartache and I don't want it anymore. Everyone around me just moves on. My parents, my siblings, my children, my friends and I am always just stuck right in those two moments. Waking to find my two children gone. How will I ever heal from this? How can I be a good mother to my kids here? I don't want to live without my children. I just don't. <br />
Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-12718141471740431992013-05-27T11:02:00.001-06:002013-05-27T11:02:52.916-06:00No More Babies <br />
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Mornings are the worst. I wake up after a restful or maybe not so restful slumber and as soon as I open my eyes I remember. My babies are gone. My daughter and now my son too. I hate waking up like this because it is like someone kicks me in the gut every single morning, before I even get out of bed. It is such a terrible way to start the day. <br />
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I am not doing so good. My marriage is not doing good at all. I keep praying to the Lord and asking Him how in the heck did he think my marriage could survive another loss of a child? It is not fair. I was talking to my Bishop yesterday and I told him that I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out what I have done to deserve this kind of devastation in my family......this kind of heartache. Because I don't care what anyone says, this does feel like a punishment. How could it not? Two of my children just died.....no sickness, no warning. Just stolen in the night. <br />
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I am so hurt. It has been eight weeks since our Jonesy's passing and life goes on. It doesn't seem right and it doesn't seem fair. I have to make myself get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other. I don't want to go on. Not without him too. GOD please hear my cries and make this right again. He could have made it right. When I was performing CPR on my baby boy, I prayed harder than I ever have before to please just make him breath. Give him a breath. Give him life. He could have, but he didn't and I will never understand.<br />
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Everyone says I am strong, but I am not. I am teetering on the edge. I want my baby boy back, but there will be no more babies......ever. Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-27186124441482949032013-05-21T20:46:00.000-06:002013-05-21T20:46:12.170-06:00May 21 Vlog: Hangin' In There<br />
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/9lfMJADWWeQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-38050482367581812932013-05-17T13:48:00.001-06:002013-05-17T13:48:47.745-06:00Live In The Moment. Love In The Moment.It has been seven weeks to the day since our baby boy left this world. Not really sure how I have been getting up everyday, but I have. I really wish, actually would give anything to go somewhere alone for a year or so. Somewhere tropical so that I could lie on the beach, and just wallow. Grieve and be sad with only myself to worry about. How selfish is that? Can't help it, because that is what I wish for. <br />
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I feel like I always post such negative things, never anything uplifting whatsoever. I am grateful for a lot in my life. I am grateful that all of us have lived to see today. So thankful for my three living children who bring me little glimmers of joy and hope, just by their existence. So thankful for Saylor, who has lived to almost see two years old. He is the apple of all of our eye, and makes us forget our sadness, even for a moment, many times everyday. I am grateful that I don't take my kids for granted. That I don't take life for granted. Was this one of the things I was supposed to learn amidst such tragedy and sorrow. I'm sure it is......and I pray that I remember this everyday for the rest of my life. Live in the moment. Love in the moment, for the next moment might never come. <br />
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I want to be a better person when all is said and done. I want Avery, Scarlett and Saylor to say that their mom was strong and loved them with everything she had. And that she was present. I don't want to disappear and sometimes it feels like I am a little. I want Tess and Jones to be proud of me too. To know that I am fighting as hard as I can to get back to where they are waiting. Live in the moment......Love in the moment. <br />
Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-89808848751483772212013-05-08T20:07:00.000-06:002013-05-08T20:07:05.618-06:00New Vlog: 6 months old in heaven.<br />
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/22KWyEItyg0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-68088891917654013732013-05-04T00:07:00.000-06:002013-05-04T00:07:26.502-06:00Life After SIDS VLOG........ I have made it a month.<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/OSwKqdzgOAc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-82490027367914349222013-04-30T02:54:00.001-06:002013-04-30T04:14:02.229-06:00The Fight Back<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCF4OvODJNDHy2FLU0c0pFrVpRfIkDbyx3dEWMZ4dWMCrEcDlhuYX6cZi70PGl003sjbJ2whIGTGbpAcsQXwOqKLMtXVR5qSsF1EuRj3vpTDgpFUcgZuc1y-VHNtpc57hRKZQbLT7r5wEy/s1600/wanted+to+die.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCF4OvODJNDHy2FLU0c0pFrVpRfIkDbyx3dEWMZ4dWMCrEcDlhuYX6cZi70PGl003sjbJ2whIGTGbpAcsQXwOqKLMtXVR5qSsF1EuRj3vpTDgpFUcgZuc1y-VHNtpc57hRKZQbLT7r5wEy/s320/wanted+to+die.jpg" /></a>All of it is done. The arrangements were made, the funeral was planned and our baby boy was laid to rest. It has been a month since our lives changed in such a profound way. But this is not new to us. This is the second time. Bryan and I talked today and we both decided that we think that the shock is finally starting to wear off. It is starting to really hit me. I knew that this is what happens after all is done and everyone and everything goes back to normal. That is when things get bad. Really bad. It feels so wrong to go back to work, go back to doing homework and doing all the things that we have to do day to day. That is how life is. It goes on.......we go on. I do not want to though. Not this time. <br />
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It feels so unnatural to me to continue living when two of my children are dead. It feels like I should just lie down and die. There are many moments that I want to. I probably spend more moments wanting to die right now than I do wanting to live. I can't though. Everyone around tells me I can't. I know I can't, but right now I just don't have the fight in me to want to go on. I am trying. For my three here, I am trying. Trying to get that fight back. <br />
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I absolutely feel spent. I do not know how I am going to do this again. I miss him so much. I miss his sister so much. This feels like too much for one heart to take. Too much for one mother to bear. Why would God think that I could do this again? Why would He ask this of me? This is what I am asking myself every minute of every day. Please continue to pray for me.....for us. :)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtGSDLrZSMKE3yduqDZmAHh7XxEuJG4EiA9NAxz_m_lnxHrVHwhyphenhyphenwlxBoXSnHdZqCUygDUD2cMCEBeE88pJoyIWyvTEJCV5Le2UBCtZo_ZXci4dyac-KvmLFYP_YyS0mdknpJwDUT56U0v/s1600/Jones+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtGSDLrZSMKE3yduqDZmAHh7XxEuJG4EiA9NAxz_m_lnxHrVHwhyphenhyphenwlxBoXSnHdZqCUygDUD2cMCEBeE88pJoyIWyvTEJCV5Le2UBCtZo_ZXci4dyac-KvmLFYP_YyS0mdknpJwDUT56U0v/s320/Jones+1.jpg" /></a>Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-45859155663062596282013-04-14T10:15:00.000-06:002013-04-30T03:25:04.933-06:00Cold, Cold, ColdWhy do you have your baby, but two of mine are in the ground? Will someone please tell me what is going on? There are so many that are so disappointing. Not a word when he was alive or when he is dead. People that should be close to me. Family.....friends. Why would you not even call me when he was born, or when he was so sick in the NICU for that week? I guess he didn't matter......doesn't matter to you now for sure. Babies are everywhere. That is all I see. I was pregnant for the last three years, back to back. Gave birth to three healthy babies and only one has survived. GOD I WANT TO DIE!!!! Why would you ask me to carry this kind of burden? My heart is cold as stone, just like my babies now. Cold, cold, cold. Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5556871646079389961.post-46400109099744776022013-03-21T03:39:00.000-06:002013-04-30T03:25:53.464-06:00Enjoying Jones<br />
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I can't believe that four months have gone by with this baby boy as a part of our family. He is such a good baby. He is very mellow which is such a blessing. His big brother is quite a handful right now and demands lots of attention, so it is very nice that Jones is fairly content most of the time. It is hard to admit to myself that I was so shocked and sad when I found out I was pregnant with Jonesy. I was so very tired of being pregnant and I just didn't feel like I had another pregnancy in me, ya know? When I look at him now, I can not imagine him not being here with us and I am so grateful that he is. Grateful that the Lord knew more than I did, and let us have him. I was thinking a few days ago that I was pretty sure that Jones was sent to us and to me, so that I could really truly enjoy a baby again. I am a tiny bit more relaxed with him, and I really don't feel like I am white knuckling it all the time. I do still check on him a ton, but somehow it feels different. Like for example: Yesterday I put him in his bouncy chair to play for a few minutes while I was putting away laundry and such. I came downstairs and into the living room where he was. I didn't buckle him in like a dumb dumb and when I looked down at the floor at him, I found him in an interesting position. He had wiggled almost all the way down to the end of the bouncy and had turned all the way over on his stomach. It freaked me out a little, but I just picked him up and kind of laughed it off. I would have never been able to do that with Saylor. I would have walked in, saw him like that and felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I might have even gone into a full on panic attack. I look back now and I am proud of how far I have come. I finally feel like our family is complete. Avery and Scarlett have each other to grow up with and now Saylor and Jones have each other as well. There will always be a longing in my heart for our Tess to be here with us, but I know that she is watching us, routing for us and waiting until we can all be together again. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU8pqrG_zOSF-udpYNjN1Xl_ZEIlWdjUxbggDVGxXmi_AuyN29TeYp_b631PPRnI76y12xV2EvFY_-mHbEu4AylTAwX7t1oTKgOMSmylnS_YtRPTEH8lVy9jj5bXb1sAnXVgXC63143GwT/s1600/March+2013+002.JPG" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU8pqrG_zOSF-udpYNjN1Xl_ZEIlWdjUxbggDVGxXmi_AuyN29TeYp_b631PPRnI76y12xV2EvFY_-mHbEu4AylTAwX7t1oTKgOMSmylnS_YtRPTEH8lVy9jj5bXb1sAnXVgXC63143GwT/s320/March+2013+002.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqL6fiKsBviXB46bbZh1isBv9MFU2rrMvKqa1yNcItt55tANeQn5cuDlowAqADMNANRUq_IOYcKi1ObYd2-PlSzlkP2HHIV77uI97iaMPOVuzTI9AN2FM1XqRsvQ3e-1wm_mGgotQ3sfEp/s1600/March+2013+004.JPG" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqL6fiKsBviXB46bbZh1isBv9MFU2rrMvKqa1yNcItt55tANeQn5cuDlowAqADMNANRUq_IOYcKi1ObYd2-PlSzlkP2HHIV77uI97iaMPOVuzTI9AN2FM1XqRsvQ3e-1wm_mGgotQ3sfEp/s320/March+2013+004.JPG" /></a> Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15273482353110315205noreply@blogger.com1