I am trying. I really am. I think that I am functioning in some ways, a lot better than I did the last time. My heart feels much worse, so I don't really know how that could be. I can't even really explain how I feel. I guess I feel kind of numb most days. Maybe that is a way that my heart protects itself. It is almost like I feel like I am outside of my body lots of times just watching my life happen. Like I am not really living it, just watching. Just existing. That is what this feels like for at least the first year.
I miss Jonesy so much. How can such a little person who you didn't get to even spend that much time with, leave your whole being with such an empty feeling? The house even is so much quieter without him. He is always missed. He would be 8 months old tomorrow. I would give anything to just have one more day with him. He was such a mama's boy. Anytime I would come in the room, I would get the biggest smiles. He was already pushing up and rolling all over the floor. He was almost 5 months old and seemed so strong and healthy. God, why did he have to go to.
I am just so dang heartbroken. I wish I knew why I was chosen to carry such a burden, because I don't know if I can do it this time. I want to be happy. I want to do what the Lord wants me to do. I have to hold on to the faith that all of this will be worth it in the end. I have to hold on to that faith. I pray that my babies know how much I am fighting to do what is right, to follow the Lord and to make it back to them. Faith is all I have to hold onto. Promises and faith.
1 comment:
Such beautiful, broken honesty from a brave mama. The "living outside your body part", perfect description. Sully's been gone 2 1/2 years on the 11th, I still cannot believe this is my life. Most of the time I can see the growth or improvement or whatever the heck you all it, other times I'm right back at work getting that call, going to the hospital where he was taken. I can't even fathom starting over in the again with another beautiful baby gone. No matter how much fun I may be having at any particular time, there is always an absence-always. Usually I'm the only one who feels it who sees it. I'm so sorry Jonesy isn't here to give you the big smiles
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