It has been seven weeks to the day since our baby boy left this world. Not really sure how I have been getting up everyday, but I have. I really wish, actually would give anything to go somewhere alone for a year or so. Somewhere tropical so that I could lie on the beach, and just wallow. Grieve and be sad with only myself to worry about. How selfish is that? Can't help it, because that is what I wish for.
I feel like I always post such negative things, never anything uplifting whatsoever. I am grateful for a lot in my life. I am grateful that all of us have lived to see today. So thankful for my three living children who bring me little glimmers of joy and hope, just by their existence. So thankful for Saylor, who has lived to almost see two years old. He is the apple of all of our eye, and makes us forget our sadness, even for a moment, many times everyday. I am grateful that I don't take my kids for granted. That I don't take life for granted. Was this one of the things I was supposed to learn amidst such tragedy and sorrow. I'm sure it is......and I pray that I remember this everyday for the rest of my life. Live in the moment. Love in the moment, for the next moment might never come.
I want to be a better person when all is said and done. I want Avery, Scarlett and Saylor to say that their mom was strong and loved them with everything she had. And that she was present. I don't want to disappear and sometimes it feels like I am a little. I want Tess and Jones to be proud of me too. To know that I am fighting as hard as I can to get back to where they are waiting. Live in the moment......Love in the moment.
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