Couldn't Keep My Crazy Under Wraps

I had an episode yesterday that made me look like a lunatic. Scarlett had a skate party for her 7th birthday and we all went of course. Bryan decided to roller blade and got a stroller that the rink provided so that he could push Saylor around the rink. He skated around with him for a few minutes and then I look up and see Bryan pushing him over towards me. Saylor looked like he was slumped over and sleeping. He looked weird to me though and I leaned down really fast and touched his hands and face. They were ice cold. I semi yelled Bryan's name and of course he thought I was crazy. For about 3 or 4 seconds I didn't think he was breathing and I almost passed out......seriously. After a little closer observation I realized that he was and then I just felt stupid. I wondered how many of the other people in the skating rink had seen me act like that. I have acted like this around my family for the last six months, but I have tried to keep it together somewhat in public. It makes me sad that I am so paranoid and it gets to be tiring. :( I guess at the end of the day, I will always blame myself for Tess's passing. I wasn't a good enough mother, I didn't watch her close enough and I sometimes even think, why did I have to go to sleep that night. Why did I need sleep??? I also have a very hard time going to check on Saylor when he is asleep. I will ask anyone else in my family to do it before I will. Bryan will check on him when he is home and has been so good and patient with me. When he is not home, I will ask my girls which I hate to admit. What kind of mother am I that I would want my girls to find him not breathing just so I wouldn't have to? I can't really explain it, but I become paralyzed with fear when I think that I should go peak in on him. The anxiety and the fear is like nothing I have ever felt.

I know I am crazy and I have started to accept it. I really just wish that my family didn't have to deal with my neurosis 24/7. I hope that I don't scare my children for life.