Forgiveness

Sometimes it is torture to not know. I wish I could go back and do things differently that night. I would give anything. She was so tiny, fragile and helpless. I should have taken care of her. I was her mother and she counted on me to protect her. I always took such pride in being my kid's mother and I thought that I was a great mom. I have to put all of this out of my mind on a daily basis. When I let my thoughts go there, it brings such self loathing. Brings such overwhelming guilt.

I thought all day about what a hard pregnancy I had carrying Tess. I was so sick. I was hospitalized twice with hyperemesis. I felt awful the entire time, but it was so worth it when she was finally born. She was so beautiful and I was so proud to show her off to everyone. I would do it all over again to have ten more weeks with her. She is so loved and so missed every single minute of the day.

I know Tess knows my heart. I am pretty sure that if Tess could talk to me, she would tell me to stop beating myself up. It is what holds me back more than anything, I believe, from true healing. I pray that one day I will be able to truly forgive myself. Easier said than done.