I lost my child. I woke up and found my daughter cold, lifeless and gray. I actually lived most parents worst fear. No one on this earth can tell my why? I beat myself up about it every minute of every day. I buried my daughter, but I am still not ready to say goodbye. I am broken.
I feel judged by many who I thought loved me. I thought those people would be there. One of my closest friends hasn't called me in over a year. Am I like the plague? I sit here lots of days trying to stay above water. I am still so broken.
I was beautiful, innocent and free. Now I am angry, ancient and hard. Always a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. Trying so hard to find beauty again...... but still broken.
4 comments:
I so know how you feel. I long to be who I was before and am having the hardest time accepting that I just wont be. I can't imagine losing a baby like that, but I am sure it is not your fault. :)
Jordan, I feel for you. Your father's father was one of the most important men in my life since my father was dead. Wilburn and Tess, as you know, lost Gwendolyn as a baby then your mother and father lost Amy. Can you imagine the joy when Wilburn and then Tess were reunited with Gwendolyn? All three babies are saved in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. Following the resurrection you will have the wonderful privilege of raising little Tess to adulthood under far more perfect conditions than we are experiencing now. Laura has a little boy who is five today and his life hangs in the balance at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. Of course we are praying that he will live. But if he doesn't he will be in perfect hands! And Laura and Dan will also get to raise him following the resurrection under much better conditions. The Lord is good.
Sending many ((hugs)) life takes on a new and diffrent outlook and those that use to be friends, do not know how to deal with us. I'm sorry your hurting, but take all the time you need to feel these emotions, trust me, its not good to stuff them. ((Hugs)), your not along I promise.
Yeah, I was just thinking about a friend that was so good to us and visited us in the hospital and even came the day Joshua died to visit to give him a blanket and then I guess it was something I said...? Or something she heard me say to someone else about not wanting to be around other babies or I don't even know but she stopped calling me and checking up on me and I feel bad, but so many people stopped coming around. But luckily I have a few people that continue to be there, and don't judge me and don't think I'm crazy and don't think I should "be over it".They let me do my thing and that's what I need to do.
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