Three Years...Almost

It is coming up on three years. Three years since I last held my girl. Three years that I haven't seen her face, kissed her cheek and just held her tight. I try to think about how far I have come in my healing and how I am still just stuck. I have decided that child loss and dealing with it on a daily basis is like being on the worst bipolar trip of your life. You can literally be in the depths of despair and some moments just wanting to die, to looking at one of your children here on earth and making yourself snap out of it. Coming back to reality and to the living. This happens over and over and over and over. At least that is how it is for me. I still struggle everyday as well with the aftermath of actually finding my child dead. I am anxious pretty much always and having an infant again, I'm sure does not help that much. I guess I kind of feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And to be very blunt...for someone else to just drop dead. Yep I said it. Because I struggle almost three years later does not make me a nonbeliever or a mother that is lacking in faith. It makes me a mother that has lost one of her children. I took this quote from a Facebook page that I follow. "I'm not sure "why" this happens, but faith seems to be equated with level of grief during child loss. People will often say to the parent who shows few (or no) tears, "Your faith is so strong!" To the one who is visibly crying and displaying grief (which is a common response to loss, especially the worst loss of all -- a child), the comment is often made, "Trust in God. God has a purpose for your child's death." Or, "Have more faith. Your faith will take away your pain." Please let's be careful not to place this additional burden on grieving parents and families of child loss. The person with a rock solid faith will still grieve the loss of his/her child. Grief in no way represents a person's level of faith. Let's try not to mix up the two as this only adds to the heavy burden of grief a parent is already carrying from the loss of a child."-Silent Grief-Child Loss Support Reading the words of the admin of this page, comforted me as I have been many times on my journey, that I am not alone. There are others out there that get it. I am getting up everyday still, taking care of my family the best I know how and trying to fight the good fight. I know that is what my Heavenly Father would want me to do and what Tess would want from her mom. It is a struggle though. Every single day. Sometimes every hour is a struggle, but that is usually just a really bad day. I have been given a witness and the spirit has told me that I was given this trial in my life, because I was strong enough to live with it. I know deep down in my soul that this is true. I try to take comfort in this. What is my alternative?