Some More Ramblings....Old Friends, Bereaved Moms

This post is written for all of my BLMommas and especially to those of you who have unfortunately just entered this journey. I grew up in a small town. I was born there as were my parents and my grandparents. I went to kindergarten through the twelth grade with most of the same kids. I had a pretty good group of girlfriends that I continued to be close with all these years. We had all grown up together. Had all got married, had babies and we all still were close. I lived on the opposite side of the country, but I still felt a very strong connection with them. Until my daughter died. Nothing will test the bonds of friendship like losing a child. My daughter died in Wyoming where we live, but we decided as a family to bury her in East Texas. My sister is buried there as are my grandparents and many other family members. Anyway we had her viewing and funeral there. A lot of my family and old friends were able to come pay their respects. Very bittersweet for me, because most of them had never even seen my sweet baby in life. I was in East Texas for about a week and then came home.....without my baby. I flew home by myself, because I had stayed a bit longer after my hubby and kids had returned. As I try to remember what I did those first days and weeks after Tess's passing, I really can't. They are all a blur. I can recall the feelings that I had and the way that I felt. It was excruciating. I couldn't eat or sleep. I have talked to a couple of people that saw me a little at the first and one of them said that they never had seen a person in such agonizing pain. Another told me that I just looked kind of dead and another said that she would see me in the grocery store and that I would just kind of wonder around and look lost. I had found my daughter dead and on top of that, I blamed myself constantly because no one could tell me why this healthy perfect baby had died. Flashbacks tortured me of the morning that I found her. Needless to say, those first weeks and months were some of the lowest that I can ever imagine spending. These girlfriends that I have mentioned, didn't have to see me everyday, I lived about 1200 miles away. It seemed to me to be kind of easy though to maybe call me, to see how I was, but I didn't get many of those either. I guess they didn't know what to say, I made them uncomfortable or maybe my state of mind scared them. To me it felt like that they didn't care and that my daughter didn't matter that much. I'm not really sure. My state of mind scared me too. I felt so utterly alone in the world because no one really understood what I was going through. I still don't quite understand how dear friends, especially other mothers couldn't put themselves in my shoes. I guess I never will. I have seen them be there for each other through divorces, deaths of parents, siblings, spouses and I just assumed that I would get the same kind of love and support. It was not there at all. Still kind of breaks my heart because I didn't want this to happen. Relationships have been damaged beyond repair and it is what it is now. That being said, I was at a very low point when I started finding other grieving mothers online. I have met a couple in person, but most of these women I have never laid eyes on, but they understood. It was the biggest blessing in my life, because I had the need to talk about Tess and about my grief. I have one friend that lost her sweet son to SIDS a few months before I lost Tess. We got pregnant with our rainbow babies at about the same time and we were both scared to death. After having our babies, we would text each other all hours of the night, because we were up with the babies and we were terrified. I have another friend that is of my same faith that lost her baby boy a few months after I lost Tess. I found her blog and her words spoke to my core. Then I found out that she lived just a few hours away from me and we were able to meet. The last time we were together we shared our babies,cried without the fear of judgement and it was wonderful. Wonderful that another person on this earth understands my heart. Understands that even though it has almost been three years.....IT or THIS is not over. This loss is something that we continue to struggle with every single day. Another sweet friend, is southern like me and has touched my heart so much. She has the most delicious twin baby boy and girl. Her sweet girl passed away from SIDS and I am in awe of her and her strength. She has this precious boy that is such a blessing to her and her family and at the same time a constant reminder of the one that isn't here. She and I would be BFFs if we lived closer, I just know it. Another mom that has touched my heart lost her baby boy over 30+ years ago. She has encouraged me, and helped me to know that I wasn't crazy at times. She has shared with me how she didn't have this kind of support system all those years ago and how even all this time later she still struggles with her boy's death. Thank you Cindy. My point of this post is that old friends aren't always the best. At least that is what I have learned going through this. You find anyone that you can connect with. If it is on Facebook or through a support group then wonderful. And if you are a new bereaved mother, please don't blame yourself for people not calling or coming around, because it is not your fault. You are not the same person and sometimes those around us can't or won't stay along for the ride. That is the way the cookie crumbles sometimes, I guess. I am so grateful for the support and love that have been shown to me. I have been very lucky to find the little village that I have. :)