I miss Tess so much today. I wish she were here. I know that is not an option. The only option for me is to try to be thankful today for all I have. To try to live today to the fullest because I have learned that tomorrow or even the next second is not promised. There was a time in the very beginning, right after Tess died, that I felt torn. Torn between my life here on earth and wanting to be with her in heaven. I felt like she was a tiny baby. She must need me. I was her mom. I don't feel like that anymore. I know with everything that I have in me that she is happy and being taken care of. Maybe she is taking care of others. I know that my children here on earth need me and I am thankful to be here with them. So very grateful.
Knowing this doesn't lessen the longing that I have to have her here with us. I am constantly seeking out two year old little girls everywhere I go. I like to watch them and imagine what she would be like now if she were here. I daydream about her all the time. What would she look like? Would she be a mommy's girl? She wouldn't let me put her down those two months that she were here. I take lots of pictures of my children now. When they are all three in the picture, I always get sad because I can actually feel that something is missing. Bryan and I both feel it. She is missing from our family every second. Always a big absence in the room and in our hearts.
I woke up this morning with a sense of dread. I feel as though I am counting the days until I relive her death and that sad sad day. You could never understand unless you have experienced this but that is how I feel. Last night I went to play Bunco with friends and another mom there brought her brand new baby girl. I couldn't really look at her and I could've never held her. Just brings back bittersweet memories of the time here with my new baby girl and the time that we had here to say goodbye.
Women always look at me blankly when I bring up Tess. Others dont know what to say. I'm sure they think that our story is sad. I dont think that those blank faces could ever ever imagine knowing that you will never get to see your baby or child again on this earth. Those mothers have older children could never imagine losing a perfect baby and then not gettin the opportunity to have that four year old, eight year old or twelve year old in their home to raise. In the flesh. She is with me always..... Always in my heart. Still heartbroken though. Still devastated.
This morning, knowing that I was down Scarlett said "I wish there were stairs all the way up to heaven so you could go see your kid". Avery replied " I wish life were that easy Scarly but life isn't that simple". I was so humbled by their sweet and wise words. They summed it up. I wish I wish I wish. Life isn't that simple though and that is just the way it is. Seven days until it has been two years since I found that sweet little lifeless body. So precious, innocent and sweet. I will continue to wish that I could go back and maybe something would've turned out differently. Unfortunately life isn't that simple.
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