I remember being absolutely terrified as Tess's viewing approached the Friday evening of the 23rd. She passed away on Wednesday, April 21, and I had not seen her since that morning when the coroner came and took her away. I remember feeling so torn those first two days that we were apart. I felt guilty for not being with her and also felt intense guilt for letting someone take her away. I should have demanded to go with her.....wherever she was going. I was her momma, I should have been with her. As the evening started approaching on the 23rd, Bryan, my parents and I were going to go early, to be able to spend some time with her. Before anyone else got there. I was petrified to see her and at the same time I could not wait. I didn't know what to expect. How do you ever prepare yourself to see your child in a casket? I remember as soon as we walked into the room that she was in, how tiny her little casket seemed to look in that massive space. As I got closer to her, I screamed out. I was heartbroken and I am sure that my scream was part agony, but I also think I screamed because I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt such relief. Even though my daughter was lying in that casket, she was still my gorgeous baby girl. I was still so proud of her and proud to show her off. I immediately picked her up and felt such peace. Such comfort to be reunited with her after those two days.
She will be turning two years old in just a little over a week and a half. The anticipation of this milestone does a number on my heart. I keep telling myself that this all happened for a reason and our reunion as mother and daughter will be like no other. All of this will be worth it.....right? I can not wait until the day when I can sit and rock her, kiss her head and smell her hair. What a special baby she is. I would do it all again a thousand times over.
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing your beautiful pictures of your last moments holding Tess. She is simply beautiful. It is still so hard for me to see pictures because I can feel all your same emotions.
:( Thinking of you always.
Those pictures tear at my heart strings. She is so pretty. Isn't it just bizarre that this is life? I think that all the time, I can't believe this is my life. Thinking of you!
PS That little chubber baby boy you have is to die for! He is about the same age as Pierce would be. :)
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