I Want My Baby Back

Tessie would be 18 months old today. It is still so hard. People have no idea what I am feeling or what I have been through. After about a year, folks don't want to talk about it anymore. I think the last 18 months have been some of the loneliest I have ever spent. After several months after Tess passed, people stopped talking about it and her. I know that what I experienced was pretty much every parents worst nightmare and maybe by not talking about it, they think that they won't be touched by such despair. I am talking care of a newborn right now, who I constantly worry about. I check on him so many times throughout the day and night, I couldn't even count. Last night Bryan was holding him and I asked him was he breathing. He looked dead to me. When he has his eyes closed, he always looks dead. I don't have much peace right now. I am feeling a bit angry today. I want to know what I am supposed to learn from all of this? I doesn't feel very fair. I buried my child and now I have to live in constant terror that something will happen to my baby here with me now. I want to go pick my daughter up from a very long stay with grandma or something. I want to wake up and have this last year and a half be a dream. I want my old self back. I want my baby back. Damn I am pissed.