Bryan Jordan Avery Scarlett Tess Saylor Jones
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Guilt, Judgement and Grief
The guilt never goes away. They judgement you feel from others never goes away. The grief you feel for the loss of your child never goes away. This has become my new normal. How can you make sense of waking up next to your baby who is completely cold and lifeless, with no symptoms of anything being wrong whatsoever just a few hours before. People have asked me, why didn't you check on her? Well I was right next to her asleep and she was asleep. There is no answer......we were both just asleep. Do I wish now that I would've woken up and looked at her. YES!!! Do I think it would have made any difference? Probably not. Who knows. Did she sleep on her stomach? Hell no. Did she sleep with us? Only when I would bring her in the bed with me to nurse usually. Just like I did with my other two baby girls. Do I wake up several times a night now to check on my 6 and 9 year olds. Yep. I have broken out in a cold sweat when I have touched Scarlett's forehead and it felt cold and clammy. How crazy is it that I think my big girls are going to just die in their sleep? But that is my new normal.
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3 comments:
Jordan, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are an amazing mama and I know that you would have done anything (and still would do anything) to have your baby girl back in your arms. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if I can help you with anything.
Thanks Amanda. You are sweet. I am finding that venting on my blog and writing when I feel frustrated does make me feel a little better. That is what I did last night after everyone was in bed and I couldn't sleep. I am doing so much better, just have moments where it seems still so unreal. Thanks for thinking of me.
Sometimes I won't see my almost 7 year old breathing and I'll poke her or shake her a little. Lately I find it easier to just go straight to her chest and feel her heart thumping. I absolutlely cannot go to sleep without it. I have tried and then I toss and I turn and the fear won't leave me so I just get up and check. Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning and its so quiet that I just know I'm goning to find her gone. The other day we hooked up her kiddie pool to her swing set and I kept havin these visions that I would walk out there and shed be lying in her kiddie pool face down. Its hard. Oncce you have a child die for no reason at all you really can't ever feel safe again
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