A Shell

Bryan told me today that I was just a shell. A shell of the Jordan that I was before April 21, 2010. He is right. Some moments I feel dead inside. Maybe it is just a way for my heart to try and protect itself. Is that why I don't feel the intense, gut wrenching heartache as much as I used to? Because it is still there. Today I did not get out of bed until 3:30 in the afternoon. I did get up with my kids this morning and help the girls get off to school, but since Bryan was home I went right back to bed. I blamed my sleep on my pregnancy, but I know part of it is depression. That big huge black hole that sucks me in. The abyss that seems unconquerable. It has been almost two and a half years since she died. I know that everyone around me thinks that that is a reasonable amount of time for me to have grieved. To be a bit better at least. I don't how to be better or to feel okay again. I texted another SIDS mom today and asked her when we would be okay again and she said she didn't know either. I am not the only one that feels like I do and somedays that is the only thing that keeps me going. To have the friendships with other moms who have been through what I have. I love all of them and most I have never even met in person. I know I am a shell of the person I used to be. I asked Bryan what he missed most about the old me? He said that he just missed me. I wasn't there anymore. Breaks my heart.