Tess's Dad

Bryan and I have had our share of problems over the years. I just asked him to describe our relationship and he said, " codependent, dysfunctional, bipolar". (he thinks he is really funny) Needless to say, it has never been easy. We have hurt each other at times and more than once really wanted to throw in the towel. I have pretty much decided something though and this will probably sound VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL. No matter what happens in our married life, I would never leave Bryan. He is the only person on this earth that knows how I feel about the loss of Tess. Losing her intertwined our hearts together in a way that is so heartbreaking, but at the same time so rich and so pure. I never thought that anything would bring us closer together than bringing our children into the world, but laying one to rest is what brought us closer than we have ever been. We have been through the worst thing that any parent could imagine and we are still together, still here. I guess what I am getting at is that I don't have to feel anyway but how I feel with my husband. He doesn't make me feel like it is time to get up and move on, because he is just as broken as I am. He lets me lay in the bed and cry when I want to and understands that some days it feels like it just happened yesterday. He has gone and checked on Saylor while he was sleeping time after time for me, because he knew how terrified I was to do it myself. He has listened to me yell, scream and ask "Why me, why us?", at least a thousand times. He has let me go over what happened that night and morning over and over, letting me pick apart each one of our actions to pinpoint where one of us could have done something different. He has defended me when others have been so callous, ignorant and just outright cruel. He has reassured me many times that I am a good mother and that he wouldn't want anyone else to have the privilege of mothering his children. For all of these reasons, I love him so much more today than I ever have. He is not perfect, nor am I. He is my friend, my husband and Tess's father. He understands and I feel lucky that I have at least one person in my life that does. Love you babe.