Bryan Jordan Avery Scarlett Tess Saylor Jones
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas
I have been battling some serious depression this last week. I think it might be all of the pregnancy hormones that are making me so emotional and just sad. I really can not believe I am pregnant again and in all honesty, I really am not that excited to be. I know that sounds awful and so many will think I am being selfish. I can not help how I feel. Pregnancy to me now is nine months of barfing my head off, complete anxiety about how I am going to take care of a newborn and I really don't know if I am up to it. Emotionally I mean. I feel so beat down and just exhausted. Completely exhausted. I can't help but ask why? Why do things happen the way that they do. Why did my perfect baby die? Why did she have to go? Why am I pregnant now? I feel so unworthy as a mother and as a daughter of God. I feel so bitter, so angry and sometimes I don't even want my heart to soften. I don't care. I want to suffer, because if I am suffering then I am remembering her every second. I know that she would not want me to feel like this. She probably is so very sad and disappointed that I am at this stand still. I don't really know how to feel any different. In the past when I have thought that I felt better, I realize that I was just suppressing my true feelings about all of it. I am not at peace with my daughter's death. Everyday it still feels like a punishment. How else should I feel about my daughter's death? I will always question my roll in it. Did I kill her? That is the worst thing. The insecurities that I have about it all. I will never get an answer to all of these questions. I think that is what I am most angry about. The torture that I live with everyday. Nothing and no one to blame, but myself. Why would someone who is supposed to love me allow me to live with this type of guilt for the rest of my earthly life. Especially if I didn't do anything wrong. I just don't know how to get past the coulda, woulda, shouldas.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way :( your baby completely understands that this is HARD...I read in a wonderful book the other day that Heavenly Father KNOWS how hard this is for us and because we have to deal with this grief for our entire life we will be praised and looked upon by ancestors and friends as majestic and noble because we suffered through the hardest thing Heavenly Father could put on someone. That made me feel better...a little. I mean everyone tells you that HF knows this pain because he has "felt it." (regarding Christ dying on the cross) But this story didn't say that that way...it just said that he realizes how truly hard this is for parents to live a life without their child. Anyways, this book was wonderful to read and opened my eyes. I am always here to talk AND you owe me a visit :) We can go baby shopping and get you more excited about this new baby!!
Also the book said (quoted from a prophet but can't remember which one) that INFANTS that die of NATURAL CAUSES (can't get more natural then the way our babies died) are MORE noble and will have better circumstances during the millennium. I think that is something positive to look forward too. Know that you daughter was THAT special...doesn't make it easier in missing her BUT maybe it helps you know a bit more about who she WAS and IS. Love ya girlie! ((hugs))
Post a Comment