703 Days

Her absence was felt more today than in a very long time. I had a very hard day. Everyday for the last 703 days that we have spent apart have been hard, but some harder than others. The month of March is so bittersweet to me. It is the only month that Tess lived through its entirety. She was born part way into Feb and died the last half of April. As March comes to an end the anxiety sometimes can be overwhelming because then there is April. I will remember April 1st that she was only this earth another 20 days. April 2nd....only another 19 and so on and so forth. I try so hard everyday to suppress my sadness and to carry on. I really do, but I miss her so much. I think about everyday what she would be like and how she would be driving me crazy. She would most likely be full swing into those terrible twos. So pretty like her sisters and so dressed to the nines. I bet she would love her baby brother so much. I think about everyday what interaction and relationship those two would have between each other. I am sure they would be best friends. I know she would love her momma and at the same time be a daddy's girl. We all miss and long to be with you sweet Tess. I would give anything hold her just one more time.

I am having a hard time understanding what I am supposed to learn from all of this. I am never going to get over it, never going to wish she were dead and never going to not want her with me. I guess it is to learn to endure to the end, because all joy has been trumped by this hole in my heart. I am also never going to have any closure with the way that she died. I will never even know with 100% surety that I didn't do something that contributed to her death. Now how cruel is that? I have to live with the death of my daughter and all this crippling guilt and uncertainty. Life sure doesn't seem fair right at this very moment. I still 703 days later want my baby back. If that makes me an unfaithful saint, not a good Christian or a righteous mother then so be it.