I would give anything to go back two years. Not only to have my girl again but to have the old me back. Have my innocence and naivety back as well. I look back and realize that I never had any real problems. I might have thought I did, but nothing that could compare to this. I was not prepared for this and really how could I have been. My daughter's absence feels like a life sentence and I am not even sure what I did to deserve this. The life sentence is the constant roller coaster that I am on. I struggle every single day to be happy. I have to talk myself out of a depression several times a day. I then look at my life and realize that I have so much to be thankful for. A wave of guilt will then come over me and I will feel so ungrateful for what I have. I can not help it......my heart is broken. The emptiness is always there. I will have a good day and then I will remember that I found my child dead and that I haven't seen her face for 22 long months. This grief is so very hard. Losing a child is so hard. Life is so hard.
I really just hate that this can't be fixed. At least fixed how I would want it to be fixed. I know I can't give up and that makes me mad sometimes too. I know that each night when I put my head on my pillow, that when I wake up, she is still going to be gone.
Bryan isn't doing very good. I feel in a lot of ways he is still stuck there that day. I have talked about my loss and my grief and have somewhat of an outlet to release all my emotions. He hasn't. Our marriage has been tested in so many ways and sometimes it feels like we are both just shells of who we used to be. My heart breaks seeming him hurt so.
This is where I am at 22 months later. I have definitely progressed in my healing and in my grief. I am also sometimes right back there holding my baby, running around banging on neighbors doors. Trying to get someone to help me. To share this nightmare I had just walked into. I guess I am a work in progress. Broken.......will I ever be put back together again?
2 comments:
I'm so sorry that you feel every ounce of this. It is not fair. I hate how it wont ever get better.
Know that I think of you often and hope that you somehow find some peace - then let me know where its at :)
Isn't that the hardest part? It never goes away? Everyday you are still going to miss her. I hate that. Not that I dont want to miss P but I dont want to hurt. I feel for you. :)
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