It hit me on the drive home tonight from Walmart. She is not here and she is not coming back. My heart ached tonight like it hasn't in a while. I want my daughter back. I feel guilty sometimes for saying that. Everyone else tries to convince me that since she is in heaven, I shouldn't feel like this. I didn't decide to have a baby here on this earth, so that I could bury her. Do any of us? I have other children that should make me happy. They do, but they do not substitute or replace her in any way. My heart was ripped out and I don't know if it will ever truly mend.
It is still hard to think back to that day and it is still hard to take in all that happened. When I think about the events of that morning, it is almost like I am thinking back on some movie that I watched in the past. It still seems so unreal and I find myself thinking all the time "Did that really happen to us?" Then I remember that yes, I longed for our third child for over three years. I was told she probably wouldn't be conceived. She was, to our surprise, and I carried her for 9 months. I gave birth to her by cesarean and I have the scar to prove it. I brought her home and cared for her for two and a half months. In the early morning hours of April 21, 2010 I layed her down. She was a bit fussy, but most definitely healthy. Just a few hours later, she was gone. No medical reason for her death. Just gone. I am pretty sure that the whole SIDS factor is the reason for my continued disbelief even after all this time. I knew it could happen, but I never imagined it could or would happen to anyone I knew, much less myself. How can you ever prepare yourself for the loss of one of your children......especially when you have no idea why or how this child died?
SIDS is so very heartbreaking. There are precautions that we can take as we parent our newborn babies, but there is no way to prevent it from happening. There is no illness, circumstance or as in my case, no one else to blame for her death. So at the end of the day I blame myself. That is something that is hard to deal with everyday. SIDS shook me to the core that fateful morning and still does to this day. It at times has made me question my faith and my role as a mother. You can live in a way that is pleasing to our Heavenly Father. You can be a good person who tries to teach and protect your children from the spiritual pitfalls of this world. In doing these things I thought that I was somehow shielded from tragedy or from anything truly awful happening to me or my family. That is not how it works. Horrific and tragic things happen to good people......period.
Going through this has made me a stronger person. I know that there isn't much in life that I couldn't get through. I still have my testimony and I still have my love in our Lord. I know that He is mindful of me and of my struggles. I have felt His arms around my broken heart and have heard Him whisper, to keep carrying on. For this, I am so thankful.
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