Prayer and Peace

Yesterday, I was feeding Saylor and as he was falling asleep, I began to pray out loud. I prayed for the Lord to help me to get through this next month as Tess's second birthday approaches. I prayed to have this depression and sadness to be lifted so that I could be the wife, mother and daughter that I was put on this earth to be. I prayed that I would have, maybe not this very moment, but someday the peace that I so much want. I prayed to be a more faithful daughter of God and to not let this tragedy cripple me anymore than it has spiritually, physically and emotionally. I immediately fell asleep with my baby boy and we took a short nap in the recliner. When I woke up a short time later, I didn't feel sad. I felt the renewed strength that I could get through this month and that I could get through this earthly life.

I read this talk tonight and wanted to share a few paragraphs of it.

Donald L. Hallstrom
Of the Presidency of the Seventy
April 2010 Conference Address

If you feel you have been wronged—by anyone (a family member, a friend, another member of the Church, a Church leader, a business associate) or by anything (the death of a loved one, health problems, a financial reversal, abuse, addictions)—deal with the matter directly and with all the strength you have. “Hold on thy way” (D&C 122:9); giving up is not an option. And, without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. We are promised that we will “suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ” (Alma 31:38). Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.

His most exemplary act, the Atonement, required Jesus to descend “below all things” (D&C 88:6) and suffer “the pains of all men” (2 Nephi 9:21). Thus we understand the Atonement has broader purpose than providing a means to overcome sin. This greatest of all earthly accomplishments gives the Savior the power to fulfill this promise: “If ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence … , if ye do this, he will … deliver you out of bondage” (Mosiah 7:33)

I have asked my daddy many times since the passing of my daughter so many questions. How would I ever get over it? How will I ever find the peace to know that I didn't do anything that caused her death? He has told me that through the Atonement, Christ has not only suffered for my sins and paved a way for me to return to be with my daughter, but he has also carried and felt these same burdens and pain that I feel now. Through the Atonement, I will find the peace and comfort that I so desperately want and need. I often instead of having the faith that I should and turning to the Lord, I have questioned Him. I have had such a very hard heart for a long time. I have wanted to blame the Lord when I should have turned to Him for strength and comfort.

I was so thankful for that peace that I felt yesterday after my prayer. I might wake up tomorrow and feel like I have so many other mornings since Tess died. How will I get up and face today without her? I know that I might have to get on my knees for the rest of my life asking for the strength to grow and learn from this tragedy. I know that it will probably never be easy. I do know that when I do, my Savior will be there to carry me through those times. I have already felt Him doing so.