Two Steps Back

Saylor is five months old. He has lived twice as long as his big sister Tess. So very thankful that he is healthy and is here with us. So very heartbroken that she is not. Today she would have been 21 months old. The past week has been hard. I feel like I have done so good for the last few months. I think that the everyday taking care of Saylor and the constant worry and fear, has kind of taken my mind off of the grief somewhat. Tonight has been very hard. While he has been napping I have checked on him and each time I walk over where he is, I almost throw up. I am actually surprised when he is still breathing. How sad is that? I don't know why some days or easier or harder than others. I hate the triggers that bring me back to that morning. I am still such a basket case. I kind of feel like everyone else needs me to be better, therefore I try to be. I try to have faith that my Heavenly Father would let me keep Saylor. If he or any of my other children were called home, I pray I would accept the circumstances as they come. I know that my Father only wants best for me and one day He will give me all the answers to my many why's??? It just feels like when I do good for a period of time, I then take two steps back.

I do believe that Tess is where she is supposed to be. I am trying to learn to forgive myself and truly know that what happened was a part of God's plan. I miss my sweet baby girl.