Ten Weeks

I think for the rest of my life, when I see a ten week old baby, it will affect me. Tomorrow Saylor will be ten weeks old and the same age that little Tessie was when she died of SIDS. When I look at him, it seems like we just brought him home and at the same time like he has been a part of our family always. That is how it felt with Tess here. Sometimes when I think of her time her on earth, it feels like a short wonderful dream that I had that ended way too soon. She has been gone for a little over fifteen months now and in some ways I am so much better, but in some ways I am still stuck in that awful grief. I think it is so unnatural for a parent to bury one of their children. I was always one of those people that thought things that tragic would never happen to me. The morning of April 21, 2010 happened and we have tried to pick up the pieces ever since. I am still struggling with so much guilt about that morning. Because I have to and there is no alternative, I have to accept my daughter's death. What I haven't accepted just yet is the sheer fact that I have all this guilt and all this uncertainty of what happened. I have a hard time understanding why my Heavenly Father would allow not only my daughter to die, but also allow me to live in such agony over what or what didn't happen. I am glad Saylor has reached this milestone, even though I don't think my fears will be forgotten so soon. I still can't believe we survived the last year, but we did.