A Baby Hunger

The sweet birth mother that was carrying the baby we were going to adopt miscarried the baby last night. I was trying not to get my hopes up, but this morning when I found out, I bawled my eyes out. I guess I saw a glimmer of hope of holding a baby, my own baby in my arms again.

Another grieving mother without my knowledge set up a Gofundme account to try to help raise money for a tubal reversal for me. I have weighed my options and researched a little, and I think that my best option for conceiving and for being safe is to try IVF/ in vitro fertilization. I have had 5 csections and a tubal reversal is another surgery. I just don't think it is the safest option for me.

All I think about is having a baby, I just don't know if Bryan and I can raise this money in the time that is needed. I pray that someway, somehow, this can happen for us. My daughters tell me at least twice a week, how much they want another baby brother or sister. It breaks my heart, not to be able to give them this. I ask myself at least 50 times a day, why in the heck did I get my tubes tied. I thought I was making the right decision for my family at the time and who would have thought in a trillion years that another baby would have died. Im beyond devastated.

I have grieved the loss of a child, knowing that I could get pregnant again and now I am grieving the loss of a child, knowing I can not ever have another baby. It is ten times worse. I not only grieve for my sweet Tess and my dear Jones, but I grieve the inability to reproduce ever again in my life. It is horrible. I explain it to people like this. You go through periods as a woman and mother where you are baby hungry. You have a baby and that hunger is filled, but then 10 weeks later or almost 5 months later that baby is stolen. Never to come back. You are still baby hungry and it is magnified!!!!

Please if you know a way or have any ideas of how I can reach this goal please help me. I am swallowing all my pride and asking for some help. Anything. Peace and love.

Grateful For the Struggle

It is hard for me at times to find anything positive when thinking about the deaths of my two children. I feel like grief is sometimes, very selfish and I have spent countless hours, wallowing in my sorrow and in my sadness. I have thought many times, "No one on this earth, can hurt as bad as I do. No one on this earth could possibly ever know the depths of my despair." I had an experience a couple of days ago, that made me thankful.......actually thankful for what I have lived and for what I have suffered in the last 3 1/2 years.

Tuesday, Scarlett and I had several things that we had to do and errands that needed to be ran. We went to the gym, we both had to go to the dentist, we went to the grocery store and we went to pick up some prescriptions at the pharmacy. We drove through the pharmacy drive-thru and I was greeted by one of the pharmacy techs that always is there and always helps me. I said, "Hey woman" and then told her which prescription I needed to pick up. She went back in and got my prescription and came back to get my money and my signature, and I asked her without even really thinking, "How was your Christmas?" She looked back at me and said, "Not good, my husband died." I immediately just felt such intense and unconditional empathy for her. I said several times over and over and I made sure that I looked deep into her eyes, "I'm so sorry. I am so very sorry." She went on to tell me that they had been married for 45 years. I told her again a couple of more times, how sorry I was and she replied back, "I can tell that you are and I really appreciate your kindness." Right before Scarlett and I drove off, I told her that I would pray for her. As soon as we drove off, Scarlett and I pulled over in our car, and we said a prayer for this sweet lady to feel some peace and to be able to get through the next days, weeks and months without her companion.

I have thought about this encounter with this sweet lady for the last couple of days. If I had not been through what I have been through and continue to walk through, I would not have felt the same way about this woman or about her loss. I felt thankful that I could hopefully let her know that I was so sorry for what she was going through and that I truly cared. Maybe that helped to left her spirits just a little and help her get through that day. I have known and still know suffering on a daily basis and I pray that I can learn to have more true Christlike compassion and empathy for everyone I come in contact with. Every single day. I was thankful in that moment on Tuesday, to have gone through what I have and going through what I am. I want to be a better person after all is said and done. A better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and human being. Maybe one day I will look back and be completely grateful for the struggle.

Nov 14, 2013 (+playlist)

New Vlog

Keepin' It Real

Almost One / SIDS Research

5 1/2 weeks and my baby boy turns 1. Well, should turn 1. Pretty much from now until April will be me anxiously waiting and wondering if I will have a nervous breakdown as we get to November and Jones' 1st bday in heaven, get through the holidays, make it to February and Tess's 4th bday in heaven, get to March which marks Jones's 1st anniversary of his death and then less than a month later remember Tess's 4th death date as well. As I sit here thinking about what I just wrote, well I just feel numb. I honestly still am in disbelief that I have given birth to 5 children and 2 have just went to sleep to never wake up again. I am in disbelief that instead of planning my Jonesy's 1st bday, I will fret and fret over what I can do to celebrate a deceased child's bday. Will think that nothing we do, is just not good enough. Never good enough to adequately show our babies how much we love them. How much we remember them. I'm still in disbelief that I will have another child who has their first birthday in heaven. It's not fair.

On another note. My babies and my family have been asked to be in a research program that studies sudden infant death. If you don't know much about SIDS then you wouldn't know that the doctor and the team that she has doing this research.....well they are kind of big in the SIDS world. Dr. Hannah Kinney, renowned pathologist and SIDS researcher and from Boston Children's Hospital has asked to study us. Our babies pediatric records, their autopsies and even sweet Jones's brain (which I just found out had been saved by the medical examiner). Dr. Kinney explained to me on the phone several weeks ago, that Jonesy's brain had been saved by the medical examiner because his brain weight was twice that of a normal 5 month olds brain weight. Random, but everyone of my babies have had huge heads. My husband has a huge head as does his dead. I also have a fairly large head as does my daddy. This post is all over the place but Dr. Kinney explained to me how going back to the 1980s SIDS researchers have found links between babies with large head circumferences and SIDS. There is a doctor on her team that has focused his part of the research on this. It is unpublished but she said that he thinks he has found a gene in these babies with large heads. She told me that he is so excited to have finally found a family with this familial trait of large heads and that have this SIDS history. Called the study with us groundbreaking maybe. Anyway, Bryan and I are going to give out DNA as are any other family members that want to participate. This is one of the only things that has given me any comfort in the last 6 months. I keep thinking maybe this is why 2 of my babies have died. Maybe they will be help solve this terrible mystery of why healthy babies go to sleep and never wake up. I pray.

I have had a rough few days. Hard for me to function. I don't know how to do this. I'm trying though.

My Babies

I wish I could see and hold them again, even just like this. That was one of the hardest things about the whole funeral experience. Knowing there was going to eventually be a moment that they were going to close the casket and I would not get to see their face again in this earthly life. That was really really hard on me. I think these two were two of the most gorgeous babies both inside and out to ever be born. I guess they were too perfect.....too pure for this wicked world. They will always be my babies.

My babies.