Rainbow Moments

LIfe After SIDS........My Angel's Second Birthday

2012-02-08T02:28:00.000-07:00

Please beware. I am a blubbering mess!! Hahaha!

And Then It Hits Me

2012-02-05T08:20:00.002-07:00

It hit me on the drive home tonight from Walmart. She is not here and she is not coming back. My heart ached tonight like it hasn't in a while. I want my daughter back. I feel guilty sometimes for saying that. Everyone else tries to convince me that since she is in heaven, I shouldn't feel like this. I didn't decide to have a baby here on this earth, so that I could bury her. Do any of us? I have other children that should make me happy. They do, but they do not substitute or replace her in any way. My heart was ripped out and I don't know if it will ever truly mend.

It is still hard to think back to that day and it is still hard to take in all that happened. When I think about the events of that morning, it is almost like I am thinking back on some movie that I watched in the past. It still seems so unreal and I find myself thinking all the time "Did that really happen to us?" Then I remember that yes, I longed for our third child for over three years. I was told she probably wouldn't be conceived. She was, to our surprise, and I carried her for 9 months. I gave birth to her by cesarean and I have the scar to prove it. I brought her home and cared for her for two and a half months. In the early morning hours of April 21, 2010 I layed her down. She was a bit fussy, but most definitely healthy. Just a few hours later, she was gone. No medical reason for her death. Just gone. I am pretty sure that the whole SIDS factor is the reason for my continued disbelief even after all this time. I knew it could happen, but I never imagined it could or would happen to anyone I knew, much less myself. How can you ever prepare yourself for the loss of one of your children......especially when you have no idea why or how this child died?

SIDS is so very heartbreaking. There are precautions that we can take as we parent our newborn babies, but there is no way to prevent it from happening. There is no illness, circumstance or as in my case, no one else to blame for her death. So at the end of the day I blame myself. That is something that is hard to deal with everyday. SIDS shook me to the core that fateful morning and still does to this day. It at times has made me question my faith and my role as a mother. You can live in a way that is pleasing to our Heavenly Father. You can be a good person who tries to teach and protect your children from the spiritual pitfalls of this world. In doing these things I thought that I was somehow shielded from tragedy or from anything truly awful happening to me or my family. That is not how it works. Horrific and tragic things happen to good people......period.

Going through this has made me a stronger person. I know that there isn't much in life that I couldn't get through. I still have my testimony and I still have my love in our Lord. I know that He is mindful of me and of my struggles. I have felt His arms around my broken heart and have heard Him whisper, to keep carrying on. For this, I am so thankful.

Baby Boy Is 8 months Old

2012-02-03T03:46:00.000-07:00

Last week on January 23rd, Saylor turned eight months old. This baby is such a big boy. He weighs about 28 lbs (yes he is a giant)and is wearing 18/24 month size clothing. We got him a big boy car seat because he grew out of the infant car seat and was so very heavy to carry. He is sitting up so good and loves to play with his toys. He finally started to roll over a couple of weeks ago and is finally liking being on his tummy for tummy time. Our pediatrician told me that he might be a little slower to do these things because of his big old belly. LOL!! He is such a good eater and I have been pretty much feeding him everything that we eat. Tonight he had some chicken and green beans. Everyone that sees him comments on how beautiful a baby he is and especially how pretty his eyes are. His blue eyes are my favorite!

I Have A Kid In The Double Digits

2012-02-03T01:21:00.008-07:00

Last week our Avery Raine turned ten years old. Her birthday was on Tuesday January 24. I dropped her off at school that morning and I drove off and bawled like a baby. I can not believe that it has been ten years since she was born. It is going by way too fast. I still remember how I felt the moment that I heard her first cry. It was the most spiritual experience that I had ever had. She blessed our home and made me what I had always wanted to be..... a momma.

We got up early and curled her hair really cute that day. I wanted her to feel special. I also stayed up into the wee hours of the morning trying to make some homemade cupcakes for her to take to her class. I am not a baker or a cake decorator, but I managed to decorate some Domo cupcakes for her. They were kind of sad looking, but she thought they were awesome and kept thanking me over and over for making them.

I have always thought this girl was too good to be sent to me and Bryan. I have at times felt like I wasn't worthy enough to have the privilege of raising such a valiant and sweet spirit. Avery sets an example for everyone in our home. She has such a strong and sweet testimony and such a big heart. I love her so very much.

She Was Still My Baby........Always My Girl

2012-01-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

I remember being absolutely terrified as Tess's viewing approached the Friday evening of the 23rd. She passed away on Wednesday, April 21, and I had not seen her since that morning when the coroner came and took her away. I remember feeling so torn those first two days that we were apart. I felt guilty for not being with her and also felt intense guilt for letting someone take her away. I should have demanded to go with her.....wherever she was going. I was her momma, I should have been with her. As the evening started approaching on the 23rd, Bryan, my parents and I were going to go early, to be able to spend some time with her. Before anyone else got there. I was petrified to see her and at the same time I could not wait. I didn't know what to expect. How do you ever prepare yourself to see your child in a casket? I remember as soon as we walked into the room that she was in, how tiny her little casket seemed to look in that massive space. As I got closer to her, I screamed out. I was heartbroken and I am sure that my scream was part agony, but I also think I screamed because I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt such relief. Even though my daughter was lying in that casket, she was still my gorgeous baby girl. I was still so proud of her and proud to show her off. I immediately picked her up and felt such peace. Such comfort to be reunited with her after those two days.

She will be turning two years old in just a little over a week and a half. The anticipation of this milestone does a number on my heart. I keep telling myself that this all happened for a reason and our reunion as mother and daughter will be like no other. All of this will be worth it.....right? I can not wait until the day when I can sit and rock her, kiss her head and smell her hair. What a special baby she is. I would do it all again a thousand times over.

Memories I Can Hold in My Hands

2012-01-11T09:40:00.001-07:00

I am pretty sure before Tess was born, I went on to the Pampers website and signed her up. Not really sure why? I think I thought they might send me some coupons or something. So every month (I'm sure all you other mothers already are familiar with this)I get an email on her progress as she gets a month older. Several days ago, I checked my yahoo account and there it was.

Month 23 - Get Ready to Celebrate
Hello Jordan,

Can you believe it's already time to plan another birthday party? And don't forget to plan a little celebration for yourself, too, for getting through these first two years with flying colors! In this issue, learn about your child's latest developments, catch up on vaccinations, pick up some getting-dressed tips, and more.

My heart sunk a little while reading this. It was just another reminder that she won't be here with us celebrating her second birthday. Another part of me kind of likes getting those updates every month. I guess it makes her seem more real. She was really here and is not just a beautiful dream.

I have saved all of her things. Her carseat, stroller, bumbo chair, all of her clothes whether she wore them or not and anything else that reminds me of her. Most of it is sealed up in storage containers in our storage unit. I haven't looked at most of it since right after the funeral. It is just comforting to know that it is there. I found a few kind of strange things that I have in the house with me, that I can't get rid of just yet either.

A prescription that Tess was given just two days before she passed away. I love to look at her name printed out on the bottle.

The last bra I wore while nursing Tess. Still has some breast milk on it and I can't bring myself to wash it just yet.

The little sleeper that she was wearing the morning that she passed away. I keep it folded up inside a drawer in my nightstand. I like to take it out every so often and just hold it.

Prayer and Peace

2012-01-10T01:04:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I was feeding Saylor and as he was falling asleep, I began to pray out loud. I prayed for the Lord to help me to get through this next month as Tess's second birthday approaches. I prayed to have this depression and sadness to be lifted so that I could be the wife, mother and daughter that I was put on this earth to be. I prayed that I would have, maybe not this very moment, but someday the peace that I so much want. I prayed to be a more faithful daughter of God and to not let this tragedy cripple me anymore than it has spiritually, physically and emotionally. I immediately fell asleep with my baby boy and we took a short nap in the recliner. When I woke up a short time later, I didn't feel sad. I felt the renewed strength that I could get through this month and that I could get through this earthly life.

I read this talk tonight and wanted to share a few paragraphs of it.

Donald L. Hallstrom
Of the Presidency of the Seventy
April 2010 Conference Address

If you feel you have been wronged—by anyone (a family member, a friend, another member of the Church, a Church leader, a business associate) or by anything (the death of a loved one, health problems, a financial reversal, abuse, addictions)—deal with the matter directly and with all the strength you have. “Hold on thy way” (D&C 122:9); giving up is not an option. And, without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. We are promised that we will “suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ” (Alma 31:38). Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.

His most exemplary act, the Atonement, required Jesus to descend “below all things” (D&C 88:6) and suffer “the pains of all men” (2 Nephi 9:21). Thus we understand the Atonement has broader purpose than providing a means to overcome sin. This greatest of all earthly accomplishments gives the Savior the power to fulfill this promise: “If ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence … , if ye do this, he will … deliver you out of bondage” (Mosiah 7:33)

I have asked my daddy many times since the passing of my daughter so many questions. How would I ever get over it? How will I ever find the peace to know that I didn't do anything that caused her death? He has told me that through the Atonement, Christ has not only suffered for my sins and paved a way for me to return to be with my daughter, but he has also carried and felt these same burdens and pain that I feel now. Through the Atonement, I will find the peace and comfort that I so desperately want and need. I often instead of having the faith that I should and turning to the Lord, I have questioned Him. I have had such a very hard heart for a long time. I have wanted to blame the Lord when I should have turned to Him for strength and comfort.

I was so thankful for that peace that I felt yesterday after my prayer. I might wake up tomorrow and feel like I have so many other mornings since Tess died. How will I get up and face today without her? I know that I might have to get on my knees for the rest of my life asking for the strength to grow and learn from this tragedy. I know that it will probably never be easy. I do know that when I do, my Savior will be there to carry me through those times. I have already felt Him doing so.

More Midnight Ramblings

2012-01-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

Finally Did Another VLOG

2012-01-06T01:29:00.000-07:00

Christmas With The Cousins

2012-01-04T00:58:00.000-07:00

This year for Christmas, three out of my four siblings came from out of state to my parents house. Avery and Scarlett had been looking forward to their cousins, Rikki and Tye that were coming from Tennessee. Rikki is about a year younger than Avery and Tye is six months older than Scarlett. We were all excited to meet their new (well not so new baby sister) Tana. She is 11 months old and our family had never met her. My sister Carly and brother in law Andrew also came up from Farmington, Ut and brought along with them their little Beckam. This precious kid should have his own television show. He has the cutest personality and is almost freakishly smart. I didn't get as many pics as I would like but here are a few.

Tye Boy

Beckam

Tana

Rikki

Avery and Rikki

Scarlett

I Love This Man.......That Is All

2012-01-02T18:13:00.002-07:00

My sweet husband just came in the living room looking all flushed and really like he had seen a ghost. He said that he had had his first real "episode" where he thought Saylor wasn't breathing. We had just came in from a day out and about with the all of us. Lunch, a little shopping and just enjoying one last day together before the girls go back to school. Bryan just put Saylor down because he had fallen asleep on the way home. I guess he went back in our room and when he looked down to check on him he looked like he was gone. At that moment when Bryan came in and told me what had happened, I felt such empathy for him. Because I know how he felt. He is usually comforting me....actually always comforting me. I could see that he was shaken up and I hugged him. We tried to laugh it off, like we always do.

My husband has been my rock in so many ways throughout all of this. I am so vocal with my grief and he is not. I have been selfish and have not always thought how this has affected him. He did bury his child too. I think that he has suffered so much silently like so many men and bereaved fathers do.

Bryan is not perfect. Neither of us are. He is always there for me and will always be. I know that in my heart. He takes care of our family and has taken care of me when I couldn't hardly take care of myself. He is truly my best friend and I am so thankful that he is the father of my four children.

Yesterday

2012-01-01T02:54:00.003-07:00

Tonight I was listening to this Ray Charles cover of Yesterday. I have always loved this song, but tonight as I listened to this amazing rendition, it meant so much more to me. It totally made me think of the way that I feel about Tess and her sudden passing. The lyrics reminded me of how I long to go back to that time with her when life seemed so much easier. I changed the lyrics a bit in my own head and wanted to share them with you.

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the woman I used to be.
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go, I don't know, They wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go, I don't know, They wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

I do believe in yesterday. Even with all the heartache that has came with losing Tess, I know that she was sent to earth for a purpose. She fulfilled what she had while she was here for that short time. I also believe the yesterday here on earth with her and the joy that she brought me is just a small taste of what we have to look forward to when we are reunited again as mother and daughter. I will never forget the "yesterday" that we had together here in this life and will wait for the "tomorrow" that I will have with her again.

My Christmas Was Made!!

2011-12-22T02:10:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I got the coolest thing in the mail. A sweet friend that I have known since I was a kid, sent me a Christmas ornament that she had had made for Tess. She was going to surprise me, but decided to ask me which one of Tess's pictures I would like to use. So, I was expecting it to come, but was totally overwhelmed when it did. When I opened the box and first laid my eyes on this sweet little pink ornament with my baby girl's image on it.....it took my breath away. Her sweet little face looking back at me melted my heart all over again, just as it did when they brought her over to me after they took her out of my womb during my csection. It was like I was seeing her face for the very first time and falling in love with her all over again. We haven't been together her on earth as mother and daughter for twenty months now. The bond between us is not broken though, and will never be. I was completely overwhelmed by this sweet gesture. Honestly, sometimes I feel like some of my friends and family are forgetting Tess. It meant so very much to me that someone remembered her this Christmas. I really just love it so much.

I Love Love Love This Seven Year Old

2011-12-19T05:08:00.001-07:00

Our Christmas baby turned 7 this last week. She was due on Christmas day, but because I threw a fit the doctor did my csection about ten days early. Hahaha! Scarlett was born the morning of December 15, 2004. Scarlett Renee weighed 8 lbs 3 oz and was such a good baby from the very beginning. She always had such a good disposition and other people would always comment on what a sweet baby she was too. We were so happy to welcome a second child to our family and to have a sister for Avery.

Scarlett has been looking forward to her birthday and more specifically her birthday party for a good long while. We didn't have a birthday party for her last year and I am not even really sure why. I know that this time last year was a hard and to be honest I just don't I was up to it. Her sweet little self has been talking about her birthday seriously for over a year. I knew that we had to throw her a party and am so glad we did.

She decided to have a skating party. I was really pleased because she had a several friends come from her first grade class. I know this is a busy time of year and I was so very thankful for everyone that came out to help us celebrate and to make her day special. We had pizza, cake and did a little skating!!

Scarlett Renee is our little peacemaker. She is always trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy in our home. She is always giving me a look whenever I am freaking out over something that lets me know to take a chill pill. She also never wants to see Avery get in trouble and really is affected by any contention that might be going on with any of us. She is also our social butterfly and wants to be involved in everything. She is a spitfire and she brings so much joy to our family and to my heart. I am so blessed to be able to be her mother.

Couldn't Keep My Crazy Under Wraps

2011-12-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

I had an episode yesterday that made me look like a lunatic. Scarlett had a skate party for her 7th birthday and we all went of course. Bryan decided to roller blade and got a stroller that the rink provided so that he could push Saylor around the rink. He skated around with him for a few minutes and then I look up and see Bryan pushing him over towards me. Saylor looked like he was slumped over and sleeping. He looked weird to me though and I leaned down really fast and touched his hands and face. They were ice cold. I semi yelled Bryan's name and of course he thought I was crazy. For about 3 or 4 seconds I didn't think he was breathing and I almost passed out......seriously. After a little closer observation I realized that he was and then I just felt stupid. I wondered how many of the other people in the skating rink had seen me act like that. I have acted like this around my family for the last six months, but I have tried to keep it together somewhat in public. It makes me sad that I am so paranoid and it gets to be tiring. :( I guess at the end of the day, I will always blame myself for Tess's passing. I wasn't a good enough mother, I didn't watch her close enough and I sometimes even think, why did I have to go to sleep that night. Why did I need sleep??? I also have a very hard time going to check on Saylor when he is asleep. I will ask anyone else in my family to do it before I will. Bryan will check on him when he is home and has been so good and patient with me. When he is not home, I will ask my girls which I hate to admit. What kind of mother am I that I would want my girls to find him not breathing just so I wouldn't have to? I can't really explain it, but I become paralyzed with fear when I think that I should go peak in on him. The anxiety and the fear is like nothing I have ever felt.

I know I am crazy and I have started to accept it. I really just wish that my family didn't have to deal with my neurosis 24/7. I hope that I don't scare my children for life.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

The holidays are coming faster than I can handle. I haven't gotten my shopping done, but that is nothing new.(am the world's worst procrastinator) My girls are getting older and wanting more mature things. Avery really asked for only one or two toys. She is growing up so. Scarlett is infatuated with her Elf on the Shelf and is so excited to find him in new and interesting places every morning. She thinks he is watching over us and I think that is so precious. Saylor will spend his first Christmas with us and we are so thankful.

Last year I pretty much ruined Christmas for myself and everyone. A couple of family members even said to me later that it was hell. I stayed in the bed pretty much the entire time and it was pretty miserable. I think for me the first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary of her death were extremely hard. I already feel stronger and I know that this Christmas will be different. I have been feeling a little down the last week or so, but I do know what to expect with the holidays. I know that I am going to be sad, because our girl is not with us. It is always there and a part of me is always sad.

Our family had our photos taken and I think they turned out really cute. It was freezing cold the afternoon we did them, but I love the snow pics and think it was way worth it. I love how snow makes everything look pure, fresh and new. I look at our Christmas card and think that if someone didn't know us, they would never know the road we have traveled the last couple of years. We look so pretty and happy. In a lot of ways we are, but we still grieve the loss of our daughter every single day. Heck every single second. It is a loss that I am not sure that I will ever get over. We are still getting up everyday and trying to love each other and our precious children. Trying to do the best we can......and that is all we are all asked to do.

Ha Ha Ha Ha.......I am doing fine!

2011-12-01T08:15:00.001-07:00

I have thought a lot lately about very hateful and inconsiderate things that have been said to me sine Tess died. Statements like, you should get over it, you need to seek psychological help, you are scaring your other children with the way you grieve, there are way worse things in the world then you losing your child, etc..... I could go on and on. One woman that wrote me an email and said such hateful things I have heard is expecting her first grandchild. I wonder if her judgment would be so harsh if her child woke up to a baby that was dead. A couple of other women who said other hurtful things have had newborn babies since then. One just had her first. I sure hope that they don't have to walk in these shoes. They were thrown at me.....I didnt ask for them. I have tried to wear them the best way that I knew how.

I have learned that when all else fails and you arent really sure what to say, maybe you should just keep your big mouth shut. If you judge me or anyone else, it will come back to bite you in the you know what. To those people that weren't so gracious and to those so called life long friends that have been MIA for the last year or so.......I don't need you. I pulled myself out of the worst of it, by myself with the help of the Lord. I hope that you never have to experience something so gut wrenching and if you do, I hope you are shown a little more kindness than you showed me at my very darkest hour!

Two Steps Back

2011-11-08T21:09:00.002-07:00

Saylor is five months old. He has lived twice as long as his big sister Tess. So very thankful that he is healthy and is here with us. So very heartbroken that she is not. Today she would have been 21 months old. The past week has been hard. I feel like I have done so good for the last few months. I think that the everyday taking care of Saylor and the constant worry and fear, has kind of taken my mind off of the grief somewhat. Tonight has been very hard. While he has been napping I have checked on him and each time I walk over where he is, I almost throw up. I am actually surprised when he is still breathing. How sad is that? I don't know why some days or easier or harder than others. I hate the triggers that bring me back to that morning. I am still such a basket case. I kind of feel like everyone else needs me to be better, therefore I try to be. I try to have faith that my Heavenly Father would let me keep Saylor. If he or any of my other children were called home, I pray I would accept the circumstances as they come. I know that my Father only wants best for me and one day He will give me all the answers to my many why's??? It just feels like when I do good for a period of time, I then take two steps back.

I do believe that Tess is where she is supposed to be. I am trying to learn to forgive myself and truly know that what happened was a part of God's plan. I miss my sweet baby girl.

Name in the Sand

2011-11-03T23:20:00.000-06:00

Several weeks ago I came across a very cool blog. A very talented photographer and fellow bereaved mother lives close to a beach. Upon request she will write your angel baby or child's name in the sand and then takes a beautiful picture. I requested Tess's name be written because I thought it was so cool. I have been waiting several weeks to get that email saying that her name had been done. Yesterday afternoon I checked my email and I had a message with a link to go to. I could view the picture and even purchase a copy. I got out my credit card because I knew it would be gorgeous(I have seen her work on this blog....amazing). The girls were home from school and so I called Avery in and told her I had a surprise for her. I explained to her what we were about to look at and that she was going to think this was so cool. I clicked on the link and there was my baby girl's name written on this exotic beach at twilight. Then I noticed immediately that something didn't look quite right. The photograph was exquisite, but they had misspelled her name. TESSA had been written. Not Tess. Avery immediately burst into tears. She got so upset. How could they have spelled Tess's name wrong? It was the saddest thing. I even got tears in my eyes and I can't really explain why? Avery said that she thought about it all day at school today. I have given Avery's strong reaction a lot of thought. I think that Avery carries Tess and the memory of her close to her heart. Tess is her sister and she wants her to be acknowledged just as she would Scarlett or Saylor. It was an innocent mistake and the photographer doesn't know us or Tess in any way. Avery's nine year old feelings were still crushed that someone would get her sister's name wrong. Tess is important to her and should be to everyone. I knew that Tess's unexpected and sudden death had a profound effect on my girls. Maybe more than I even know.

I emailed the blogger and made her aware of the mistake. She was so apologetic and is going to do a new one for us. Sweet Avery was so relieved when I gave her this information this afternoon. We are anxiously waiting for Tess's name in the sand.

The Perfect Costume

2011-10-27T08:02:00.001-06:00

Halloween is a very big holiday in our house. My girls and especially Avery take their Halloween costumes very seriously. I wish I could say that I made their costumes, but since I can barely sew a button on, I can't. The last couple of years we have been sent a costume catalog from a costume company. We get it in the mail a couple of months before Oct 31. Avery literally looks through the pages of this book for several weeks, picking a certain costume and then changing her mind. It keeps her occupied for hours. When the catalog can't keep her attention anymore, she gets online and does the same thing. I think it is so funny. The girls got their costumes last week just in time to go to a cherished friend's annual Halloween party.

5 months old

2011-10-27T00:01:00.002-06:00

Saylor turned five months this past week. The time has flown. He is weighing in at about 23 lbs. I took him to the doctor about a week ago and he is over 100% for his weight, length and head. He is wearing 12 month clothes now and really is such a big boy. He starting turning over on his side in the last couple of weeks and even turned over on his stomach a couple of times. He gets his arm caught under him and doesn't like that very much. Haha! He laughs so much and especially loves when his daddy or sisters talk and play with him. He sucks on pointer finger constantly and is also starting to discover his feet. I love watching all his new discoveries every day. Every thing he does is so cute to us and I have taken thousands of picture in his short few months of life. I thank the Lord every day for blessing us with our beautiful baby boy.

Forgiveness

2011-10-26T00:13:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it is torture to not know. I wish I could go back and do things differently that night. I would give anything. She was so tiny, fragile and helpless. I should have taken care of her. I was her mother and she counted on me to protect her. I always took such pride in being my kid's mother and I thought that I was a great mom. I have to put all of this out of my mind on a daily basis. When I let my thoughts go there, it brings such self loathing. Brings such overwhelming guilt.

I thought all day about what a hard pregnancy I had carrying Tess. I was so sick. I was hospitalized twice with hyperemesis. I felt awful the entire time, but it was so worth it when she was finally born. She was so beautiful and I was so proud to show her off to everyone. I would do it all over again to have ten more weeks with her. She is so loved and so missed every single minute of the day.

I know Tess knows my heart. I am pretty sure that if Tess could talk to me, she would tell me to stop beating myself up. It is what holds me back more than anything, I believe, from true healing. I pray that one day I will be able to truly forgive myself. Easier said than done.

Remembering Our Girl Today.........and Always

2011-10-15T18:17:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking about my baby girl quite a lot today. It is so hard to believe that she has been gone for so long. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. All day all I can think of is how we lit candles for her last October 15th and how I can't believe how another October has come around again. She is still gone. Right before Bryan left for work I had a good long cry. I expressed to him like I have a thousand times before how much I miss my baby and how it is not fair. How no parents should ever have to lose their baby or child. How no mother should ever have to wake up next to a baby who is gone. I felt sorry for myself for an hour or so and I felt better.

I can't even express in words how much I love my baby Tess. We tried for four years to have her. I was told by doctors that a third baby wasn't in the cards. Then miraculously I got pregnant. I carried her for nine months and wanted her so much. She was our third little girl and we were so excited when she finally came to join our home. She was the prettiest baby and I loved every second that I got to spend with her. Those ten weeks were some of the most cherished moments I will ever experience in my life. What a true blessing from God she is. She is my heart.

Tonight we light a candle to remember our precious baby Tess. We also remember all babies that have gone so soon.

Beautifully Broken

2011-10-03T21:23:00.001-06:00

I lost my child. I woke up and found my daughter cold, lifeless and gray. I actually lived most parents worst fear. No one on this earth can tell my why? I beat myself up about it every minute of every day. I buried my daughter, but I am still not ready to say goodbye. I am broken.

I feel judged by many who I thought loved me. I thought those people would be there. One of my closest friends hasn't called me in over a year. Am I like the plague? I sit here lots of days trying to stay above water. I am still so broken.

I was beautiful, innocent and free. Now I am angry, ancient and hard. Always a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. Trying so hard to find beauty again...... but still broken.

A Little Baking and a Lot of Growing Up

2011-10-03T00:17:00.001-06:00

My oldest Avery is nine years old. She seems to be growing up so fast these days. I thought I had at least a couple more years before we had a little preteen on our hands. No.....the little "tween" is here. She is starting to exhibit certain teenage characteristics that are baffling me, since I never thought my baby girl would grow up. She thinks that I am not so cool anymore, tends to be a quite emotional at times and is even starting to really like boys. She really wants to be independent. She has been asking me for a while to let her try to bake something all on her own. No help from me or her dad. She picked a sugar cookie recipe and did a really good job. She was so adamant to do everything on her own and I was really proud of her.

Avery Raine will always be so special to me. She was my first born and my first daughter. We spent three precious years together, just her and I. She has always been such a special spirit and has one of the kindest hearts I have ever known. Ever. She always wants to do what is right and is already such an example to me even at the tender age of nine. I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve to be her mother, because she is so precious....so good. I am so grateful though.

Checking and checking and checking

2011-09-26T22:53:00.001-06:00

Even though Saylor is getting older and bigger, I still check on him constantly. The last couple of days have been especially hard because it seems he has slept nonstop. I am thinking it must be a growth spurt. During the day he naps really good in his swing. While he is asleep I try to get things done around the house, but I can't go to far without coming back in the room and making sure he is okay. I can even be sitting in the same room on my laptop and I feel the constant need to look up and check on him. The longer I go without checking on him, the more anxiety I feel. It builds and builds until I give in to my obsessive checking, checking and more checking. Needless to say, it is so exhausting. Usually a few different times a day, he looks like he is dead to me. It makes me so sad to say that, but it is true. When I have one of those moments, I find myself holding my breath and praying until I can walk over to him. I touch his face, shake him a little or put my finger under his nose to feel the warm air he is breathing. I do this all day every day. I'm sure there are some that would think that this is a little crazy, but I guess it comes with the territory after losing a baby to SIDS. Another angel mom told me several weeks ago, that after losing a baby to SIDS, a sleeping baby is never again a delightful thing. So very true.

4 Months Old

2011-09-24T22:59:00.001-06:00

Saylor turned four months old yesterday. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. Just like with all of my other children, it is hard to imagine a time when he wasn't a part of our family. He is such a big boy. Everywhere we go, people comment on how big and chunky he is. He now weighs about 21 1/2 lbs and is wearing size 9-12 mo clothes. He has found his little voice and he loves to talk. He also loves to be talked to. He lights up when anyone talks to him. He also seems to be starting to teeth. He is drooling a ton and loves to suck and chew on his hands constantly. He is definitely a mama's boy and sometimes can't be consoled by anybody else but me. I love it.

Blue eyes!!

Just starting to play in his bouncy!

Big fat baby legs!

Scarlett's Prayer

2011-09-19T23:59:00.003-06:00

My six year old Scarlett was the one that led us in family prayer tonight. Her prayer was so sweet and innocent. She asked our Heavenly Father to help her and her sister get a good night sleep, for daddy to be safe at work and for Saylor to be healthy. She also prayed, "Please help Mom to not be so angry all the time." I immediately opened my eyes to look at her and she was looking at me. Can we say humbled???? I smiled at her and she finished her sweet and honest prayer. Needless to say, I have thought about this for the last few hours. I am so thankful that Bryan and I have raised our girls in a home where they feel they can be honest with their feelings and emotions. I am also grateful that Scarlett is learning to turn to our Father with her troubles in prayer. I sit here feeling so much guilt and sadness for what my girls have had to go through this last year. I am thankful for the swift kick in the pants that I got tonight by Scarly's little prayer. I am going to make a serious effort to be happy. To have a happy heart. To love every single day that I am here on this earth or at least try my hardest to. The anger, bitterness and guilt I have felt have changed who I am and it hasn't been pretty at times. Unfortunately my family has had to bare the brunt of my anger. I owe it to them to try to let all of that go. I owe it to myself to let it go. My spirit and love for life will not die just because my daughter did. She would not want that for me. I love her and my other children too much to do that.

I know I was put on this earth to be the mother to Avery Raine, Scarlett Renee, Tess Alexandra and Saylor Evans. They have all been the true loves of my life. Thinking of these four precious wonderful human beings makes my heart swell. All the heartache, sadness, sorrow that I have had to endure was worth it a million times over to be their mother for even just a moment. I am blessed. I pray that I will not soon forget Scarlett's sweet prayer. I think my daughter's plea to the Lord was really to have her mother back. I am going to do everything in my power to give her just that!

What A Grieving Mother Really Thinks

2011-09-17T00:12:00.000-06:00

This poem that was posted on facebook and it struck my heart. These words are so true. I have distanced myself from a lot of people that haven't wanted to walk with us on this journey. I am so thankful for those family members and friends old and new who have had the patience, love and courage to stand by me.

What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks

Hello, Old Friend,

Oh, yes, you know

I lost my child a while ago.

No, no please

Don’t look away

And change the subject

It’s ok.

You see, at first I couldn’t feel,

It took so long, but now it’s real.

I hurt so much inside you see

I need to talk,

Come sit with me?

You see, I was numb for so very long,

And people said, “My, she is so strong.”

They did not know I couldn’t feel,

My broken heart made all unreal.

But then one day, as I awoke

I clutched my chest, began to choke,

Such a scream, such a wail,

Broke from me…

My child! My child!

The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,

everyone except for me.

Now, when I need friends most of all,

Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bear,

When I mention my child,

I see their blank stare.

“But I thought you were over it,”

Their eyes seem to say,

No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.

So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.

But inside I am crying, as I turn away.

And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,

As I have from the start,

You never knowing all the while,

All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

~Kelly Cummings

.

VLOG Back to School......Bittersweet

2011-08-30T14:59:00.000-06:00

Baby Steps for Mama and Saylor

2011-08-29T13:40:00.001-06:00

Our boy is three months now. He weighs around 18 lbs and is such a big boy. He is starting to smile and react to us so much. He loves when his daddy talks to him, especially. I am loving being his mama. Taking care of him has been very stressful at times, but is getting easier every day. I still am constantly checking on him, but I have also taken baby steps that I am really proud of. I have probably written about this before, but I slept with him in a recliner for the first 12 weeks or so. I just couldn't put him down and I couldn't have him sleep in the bed with me either. (that is where Tess passed) I finally started putting him in his bassinet and would let him sleep for a little bit, but would always have to go pick him up. One night I finally let him sleep and didn't mess with him and he actually slept for eight hours straight. I have to confess to still sleeping in the recliner, right beside the bassinet. I probably woke up and checked on him every thirty minutes or so, but I still didn't get him up. When I woke up the next morning, I felt such a sense of pride. I felt proud of Saylor, but also very proud of his mama. It was a huge test of faith to let him sleep. A couple of nights ago I felt so sleep deprived that when I put him down in his bassinet, my head hit the pillow and I slept like a log for several hours. When I did wake up, I was instantly terrified. I hadn't checked on him throughout the night like I usually do. I said a silent prayer as I sat up and looked over his bassinet that he was alive and breathing. So, I still have my moments. I am a slow work in progress and am still healing. I ask myself sometimes, if I will ever be back to normal? Who knows if I will? Last night he slept for ten hours. He really is such a good baby.

Another Birthday

2011-08-23T15:11:00.000-06:00

Today is my 37th birthday. Last night I was texting my dad(he is in a rehabilitation hospital....broke both of his legs and fractured his shoulder). Anyway, he wished me a happy birthday and I asked him could he believe that he had a 37 year old daughter.(I am the oldest of six) He then said "You feeling old" or something like that. I replied, "Yes, I do or at least my soul does." "I miss my girl, Daddy." That pretty much sums up how I am feeling today on my birthday. I am thankful to celebrate another year. Thankful to be pretty healthy and very thankful for my other three children that bless my life each minute of each day. I do miss my baby so much though. I can't believe that I will never get to see her face again. At least not on this earth.

School is starting up again. It is always bittersweet to send my kids back to school and to new grades. They are getting older and growing up so fast. They are here with me though and I do get to experience all these wonderful milestones with them. I will never get to take Tess to her first day of kindergarten and it makes me so sad.

Tess never got to celebrate one of my birthdays. She never got to celebrate her own. Life is freaking hard and that is all there is to it. I hope she knows how much I love her. I would give anything just to hold her one more time. That would be the best birthday present ever.

Quick Marriage Talk.......Life After SIDS

2011-08-20T18:07:00.002-06:00

Sad Sundays Part 2

2011-08-14T20:22:00.002-06:00

Sad Sundays Part 1

2011-08-14T20:10:00.002-06:00

Decide To Start a VLOG

2011-08-13T17:00:00.000-06:00

I Want My Baby Back

2011-08-08T12:20:00.000-06:00

Tessie would be 18 months old today. It is still so hard. People have no idea what I am feeling or what I have been through. After about a year, folks don't want to talk about it anymore. I think the last 18 months have been some of the loneliest I have ever spent. After several months after Tess passed, people stopped talking about it and her. I know that what I experienced was pretty much every parents worst nightmare and maybe by not talking about it, they think that they won't be touched by such despair. I am talking care of a newborn right now, who I constantly worry about. I check on him so many times throughout the day and night, I couldn't even count. Last night Bryan was holding him and I asked him was he breathing. He looked dead to me. When he has his eyes closed, he always looks dead. I don't have much peace right now. I am feeling a bit angry today. I want to know what I am supposed to learn from all of this? I doesn't feel very fair. I buried my child and now I have to live in constant terror that something will happen to my baby here with me now. I want to go pick my daughter up from a very long stay with grandma or something. I want to wake up and have this last year and a half be a dream. I want my old self back. I want my baby back. Damn I am pissed.

Tess and Saylor/ Ten weeks old

2011-08-02T01:46:00.001-06:00

I get really sad when I think of how very few pictures that I took of Tess. It is hard for me even to think about, but I never even got any video of her. I thought about all the pics I would take of baby Saylor, even before he was born. He probably one day will wonder why I always had a camera in he and his other sister's faces. I got Avery to take a pic of me tonight holding him in a very similar pose as I held his sister, the night before she died. Both at the same age. Both my sweet babies. One in my Heavenly Father's embrace and one in mine. I love you Tess and Saylor.

Ten Weeks

2011-07-31T13:45:00.000-06:00

I think for the rest of my life, when I see a ten week old baby, it will affect me. Tomorrow Saylor will be ten weeks old and the same age that little Tessie was when she died of SIDS. When I look at him, it seems like we just brought him home and at the same time like he has been a part of our family always. That is how it felt with Tess here. Sometimes when I think of her time her on earth, it feels like a short wonderful dream that I had that ended way too soon. She has been gone for a little over fifteen months now and in some ways I am so much better, but in some ways I am still stuck in that awful grief. I think it is so unnatural for a parent to bury one of their children. I was always one of those people that thought things that tragic would never happen to me. The morning of April 21, 2010 happened and we have tried to pick up the pieces ever since. I am still struggling with so much guilt about that morning. Because I have to and there is no alternative, I have to accept my daughter's death. What I haven't accepted just yet is the sheer fact that I have all this guilt and all this uncertainty of what happened. I have a hard time understanding why my Heavenly Father would allow not only my daughter to die, but also allow me to live in such agony over what or what didn't happen. I am glad Saylor has reached this milestone, even though I don't think my fears will be forgotten so soon. I still can't believe we survived the last year, but we did.

Our Rainbow Baby

2011-07-26T17:16:00.001-06:00

I have wondered that if by having Saylor, would other people think that I was trying to replace Tess. If I was being totally honest, I even wondered if I was in some way trying to replace her by having a baby so soon. The journey of burying my infant daughter and then getting pregnant just a few months later has been a roller coaster to say the least. I found this quote that sums up how I feel about this new baby in our home, just a short time after the loss of our baby girl.

"Rainbow

Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is still not dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of life has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and much needed hope. -Author Unknown

My Big Girls

2011-07-25T12:48:00.000-06:00

Avery and Scarlett love their little brother Saylor soooooo much. They are always so willing to hold him and do whatever I need to help me. They both also check on him all the time, to see if he is okay. This is really sad to me, because they will go over to him and make sure he is breathing. I hate how they have lost some of their innocence by going through the death of their sister. I do love watching them interact with him and laugh at every little thing that he does. I captured these pics last night when Avery was burping the little man and he started to smile at her. It totally made her night!!

Comparisons

2011-07-24T20:34:00.000-06:00

Our little boy Saylor will be nine weeks old tomorrow. Since Tess passed away at ten weeks, I am finding myself comparing them a lot. He definitely is more beefy than her and weighs more. He is the blondest baby that I have had so far and is the only one that has had blue eyes. They both seem to have pretty calm personalities and even at times they both seem serious. Tess had just started cooing a little just a week or so before she died. Today before Bryan went to work, Saylor started talking to us and it totally reminded me of those last few days that we had with her. I wonder sometimes and have even whispered in his ear, "Did you know your Tessie?" What I wouldn't give to pick his brain for just a minute. Taking care of him, totally takes me back to memories of her. This has been really sad at times, but I just thought today what a blessing this is. I think that different things that he does triggers memories of her which I might have totally forgotten. I feel so blessed to be able to care for this sweet baby boy and to go through this infant stage all again. Who could ever understand this life that we live. I am trying to just hang on and enjoy this crazy, wonderful, tragic, beautiful, heartbreaking, heart healing life of ours.

Put In My Place

2011-07-17T00:16:00.000-06:00

I had a very eye opening conversation with my husband and sister in law the other day. I was venting to them about another bereaved mother that I was aquaintances with on Facebook. I said something like," I am sorry, but this woman is such a downer. All she ever talks about is the death of her child. It totally consumes her life. I think I might have to unfriend her because she is too much." Bryan looked at me and said, " Are you kidding me?" " That was totally you like the whole last year." I looked at Jen and she said, " Yeah pretty much." We all kind of laughed that I was so clueless. I have really been thinking about this conversation for the last week or so. It made me realize how self-centered grief sometimes makes people. When I was in the middle of that awful despair, I really had a hard time caring about others or having a lot of empathy for people in general. I thought that what I was going through was the worst thing ever and no ones pain or hardships could ever compare. I realize now how selfish those type of feelings were. I know that I am healing everyday just from the sheer fact that I can even recognize this. It makes me very thankful for little steps to healing. I am also ashamed to have said those things about that mother. Who am I to judge how she grieves? How could I so soon forget those awful dark days that I experienced, where my daughters death consumed every waking moment of each and every day? Shame on me.

The S.S. Saylor!!!!!!!

2011-07-01T15:06:00.000-06:00

Haven't posted in about two months. I have been busy with a new little one in our house. So glad to announce that on May 23rd we welcomed little Saylor Evans to our family. He was delivered 4 weeks early and still weighed 8 lbs 6 oz. What a chunk. It has been a bit different having a boy baby. Even though he is my fourth baby, the diaper changes have been a bit different and something to get used to. The first week or so, I seemed to be a little bit out of my comfort zone and would let poor Saylor pee all over himself during every diaper change. We have it down a little better now after five weeks of practice. He is weighing close to 13 lbs and definitely is a big eater. He doesn't sleep very good unless I am holding him, so we have slept in the recliner every night pretty much for the last several weeks. He really is a good baby and I am so thankful that I get to do this all over again. I would be lying if I said that haven't been a nervous wreck the past few weeks. I am doing better every week and feeling more confident every day about being a mother again to an infant. I definitely feel the Lord's guiding hand and the spirit with me. The peace I have felt especially the last couple of weeks has been a wonderful gift from my Heavenly Father and even I think from our little Tess. I hope she is proud of me and knows how much we love her and her new baby brother. Very very bittersweet time for me. So sweet when I think about our new little baby boy and when I think of the sweet moments I got to spend with his big sister. Bitter still when I think of how our time was cut short. I am praying to have faith to know in my heart that this is how it was supposed to work out. Little by little my hard heart is being chipped away, so I can feel the JOY again. I am thankful for that.

33 weeks

2011-05-01T00:45:00.001-06:00

This is me at almost 33 weeks. I am starting to feel the familiar signs of the last of the third trimester. It is starting to be very very uncomfortable to do anything. I can't sleep very good and today it was even pretty uncomfortable just to sit. I am starting to feel like little Saylor is dropping and that makes it a little uncomfortable to walk for very long periods of time. I am getting very anxious to meet our first little boy.

Guilt, Judgement and Grief

2011-04-30T23:09:00.000-06:00

The guilt never goes away. They judgement you feel from others never goes away. The grief you feel for the loss of your child never goes away. This has become my new normal. How can you make sense of waking up next to your baby who is completely cold and lifeless, with no symptoms of anything being wrong whatsoever just a few hours before. People have asked me, why didn't you check on her? Well I was right next to her asleep and she was asleep. There is no answer......we were both just asleep. Do I wish now that I would've woken up and looked at her. YES!!! Do I think it would have made any difference? Probably not. Who knows. Did she sleep on her stomach? Hell no. Did she sleep with us? Only when I would bring her in the bed with me to nurse usually. Just like I did with my other two baby girls. Do I wake up several times a night now to check on my 6 and 9 year olds. Yep. I have broken out in a cold sweat when I have touched Scarlett's forehead and it felt cold and clammy. How crazy is it that I think my big girls are going to just die in their sleep? But that is my new normal.

A Father's Love

2011-04-24T15:29:00.000-06:00

I found this letter that Bryan wrote for Tess. He actually only wanted to put it in her casket, but I coaxed him into reading it at her funeral. Reading this today after church, reminded me again, what today is all about. Bryan is an English literature major and writes very eloquently, but I think the spirit was definitely with him when he penned this sweet letter to his daughter, Tess.

I loved you , even though I hardly knew you. I didn’t quite yet know who you were or what you would become. You were (and still are, I think) an infinite bundle of hope, possibilities and potential. You were the spring rain that renews the earth, a fresh start that we all wish we could have sometimes. A fresh start I got, if only for a while, through you.

You seemed so small and helpless and utter perfection. How I must seem small and helpless and terribly flawed from where you are now. I was supposed to protect you, but I couldn’t. I feel so weak for failing. Now I ask you to watch over me until we meet again. There were so many things I wanted to show you and hoped to teach you. But you are suddenly far past my understanding. You are the teacher now. I would have taught you too much of the ways of this world, a world that, as it turns out, you were too good for. Now you know our Father and the mysteries of heaven. Perhaps you were never here long enough to forget them. Ask Him to send His love to those of us who are left behind.

I know you were never really mine. You were sent to me with no guarantees in this life, only for the next. I feel so alone, now that you are gone, but I know that you are not alone and never really gone. I can still feel you . We are still connected somehow. Know that I love you, wherever you are. I promise, here and now, I will try to be worthy of your perfect memory and your company again someday. I will never forget you. Goodbye my sweet baby Tess, until we meet again.

Your Loving Father

The Smile

2011-04-20T09:38:00.000-06:00

A year ago today, Tess and I were spending our last day together. I have quite a few unwanted memories from the 21st, but I can't really remember a lot about the day and night before. I do know that just a few days before Tess died, I captured the only picture that we got of her smiling. She had started smiling and cooing a bit more, just a week or so before she passed. Avery and Scarlett would get so excited when she would smile. In that one crude photo that I took with my cell phone, you can see how special she is. I can actually see the light of Christ in her sweet face and especially in her eyes. For some reason this picture makes me think that she was an old soul and probably was so much more wise than both her daddy and I. She has definitely taught me more in the last year than I could've ever imagined. Even though the selfish side of me wants her here, I am coming to realize that she was too precious for this world. I am so thankful for the chance I had to be her mother, even for a short time.

Heavy On My Heart

2011-04-19T16:50:00.000-06:00

Just watched a very touching Oprah show today. The second half of the show talked about these two very ill babies. One had a heart condition and was clinging to life waiting for a heart transplant. The other infant came down with an illness and was being sustained on life support. He was eventually taken off of life support and his heart was donated to this sweet baby girl. It was truly touching. While I watched this I had a thought cross my mind. You never see stories on televison about SIDS. It seems as if it is a very taboo subject for people to talk about. I am very troubled by this. Especially since SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants 1 month to 1 years old. I feel the immense need to do something about this. SIDS needs to be talked about more. More research needs to be done. Found this article to be very informative.

Lost Babies

Parenting

Lost Babies
By Margaret Renkl
Parenting, September 2008
CNN.com, 12 September 2008

When Melissa and Rudy Haberzettl’s son Jacob was born in November 2006, he was perfect in every way—full-term, healthy weight, and a champion eater. Like many new motherss, Melissa was determined to follow doctor’s orders: She breastfed Jake exclusively, put him to sleep on his back, never exposed him to cigarette smoke, and kept soft toys and bedding out of his crib. And Jake thrived. “He was such a happy baby, always looking around and cooing,” remembers the Colorado Springs mom.

Of course Melissa had heard about sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)—the designation most commonly used when a healthy baby dies in his sleep, suddenly and without any medical explanation—but she wasn’t really worried about it. “When you do everything right, you just don’t think it can happen to you,” she says.

But when Jake was 3 months old, the unthinkable happened.

Melissa had arranged to return to work two days a week as a physical therapist, and she had chosen an in-home daycare center highly recommended by friends. Though she felt anguished about leaving her baby for the first time, she also felt certain Jake was in good hands, and she resisted the impulse to check in. Rudy, also a physical therapist, didn’t. He called the sitter three times, reporting to Melissa each time that the baby was just fine. He planned to pick up Jake at 3:30 p.m. Melissa hadn’t heard from Rudy by 4 p.m., so she called his cell. The instant she heard Rudy’s voice, she knew something was wrong. “I could tell he’d been crying, and my husband does not cry.” When Melissa asked, “Is Jake okay?” Rudy just said, “Stay where you are. I’m coming to get you.”

Trying not to panic, Melissa called the sitter, but the person who answered would tell her only that the sitter wasn’t available. By the time her husband arrived in a police cruiser a few minutes later, Melissa understood. “Jake’s dead,” she said as soon as Rudy stepped out of the car. “When he said yes, I just fell apart.”

Why isn’t SIDS solved?

The death of a healthy baby is always a terrible shock, but it may be even more shocking today. That’s partly because SIDS, which is classified as a natural cause of death, is considered so rare. The official rate from the National Centers for Health Statistics (NCHS) is roughly one death for every 2,000 live births—or .05 percent. But many parents mistakenly believe that the only babies still dying of SIDS are the ones whose caregivers just aren’t following the safe-sleep rules. It’s hard to blame them, given that the American Academy of Pediatrics’s (AAP) Back to Sleep campaign, which launched in 1994, has been credited with cutting the SIDS rate in half.

As the Haberzettls learned so tragically, SIDS is still very much a threat, despite the genuine accomplishments of Back to Sleep. And research suggests that the real SIDS rate may in fact be significantly higher than the official numbers indicate: Although fewer than 2,500 infant deaths this year will be classified as SIDS, an additional 2,000 seemingly healthy babies under 12 months will also die mysteriously in their sleep, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The majority of them are deaths that just a few years ago would have been classified as SIDS.

No parent wants to consider the possibility of losing a child, which is why we’ve asked to top experts in the field to explain what’s truly known about this mysterious cause of death—and what more can be done to save babies.

A difficult diagnosis

Spotting SIDS would seem fairly straightforward, but the truth is quite the opposite. And that makes it very hard to know exactly how and why babies succumb, or why the highest rates occur in infants between 2 and 4 months old. The condition can be diagnosed only when a death has been carefully investigated—including an autopsy, a study of the scene and circumstances of death, and an examination of the baby’s medical history—so that all other possibilities can be ruled out. The process is expensive, and many counties don’t have the resources to conduct such thorough investigations, says Amy Martin, M.D., Denver’s chief medical examiner. And that means some cases may be missed.

Government bureaucracy only compounds the problem. In 2006 the CDC acknowledged that its SIDS reporting form, which each medical examiner’s office is charged with completing, was unnecessarily confusing; the revised form can be completed almost entirely by checking boxes. But for on-the-ground forensic pathologists, says Dr. Martin, the new version is still problematic. “If you don’t have enough trained investigators who can go out to the death scene, you’re going to have a difficult time filling out a form like that—not to mention getting to the bottom of what really happened,” she says.

And yet even when resources are available, identifying a true case of SIDS can be challenging. When a baby is found lying on her tummy—or in a bed with adults, or a crib full of soft toys—the coroner can’t rule out the possibility that the baby was accidentally smothered and may call it “possible accidental asphyxia” or “threats to breathing” rather than SIDS. That’s why some states today report no SIDS deaths at all, despite the fact that babies still die there every year, says Fern R. Hauck, M.D., associate professor of family medicine and public health sciences at the University of Virginia.

As Melissa Haberzettl found out, this variation in labeling—a phenomenon called code-shifting—can happen if the examiner discovers a possibly unrelated underlying condition as well. Five weeks after offering a preliminary assessment that Jake had died of SIDS, the Colorado Springs coroner changed his diagnosis. Even though the baby showed no signs of illness, the medical examiner concluded that Jake had died of viral pneumonia. “I kept asking, ‘How can a healthy baby die of pneumonia?’ but I never got a straight answer,” says Melissa.

She sought out a second opinion from Henry Krous, M.D., a SIDS researcher at Rady Children’s Hospital in San Diego. In his view, the local examiner had missed a perfectly obvious case of SIDS: “With viral pneumonia, infants don’t die suddenly without getting sick first,” says Dr. Krous. “If one has a degree of pneumonia that can be seen only with a microscope, and then the infant dies, he dies with it, not of it.”

Regardless of how or why it happens, code-shifting helps to explain why SIDS deaths have dropped in the past 14 years while other sudden infant deaths, like those attributed to accidental suffocation or even, simply, undefined causes, have increased significantly. If true SIDS cases are being assigned a wide variety of other diagnoses, it makes it nearly impossible for researchers to get a good handle on what’s happening with the rates and risk factors right now, says Dr. Hauck. That’s why for parents, it’s more important than ever to follow the safe-sleep recommendations, including putting babies down on their backs, says Dr. Krous. “Nothing we know at the present time will absolutely prevent SIDS, but the risk can be substantially reduced.”

What we know so far

Despite the challenges, SIDS research goes on. And though much remains to be learned, scientists do have some answers (see “4 Other Ways to Protect Your Baby”). For instance, they know that certain infants, such as African-American, Native American, and premature babies, are at particular risk, and that certain situations (including sleeping on a soft surface and exposure to secondhand smoke) raise the odds for all babies. They also know that babies who sleep on their stomachs or sides face the biggest danger: They have twice the risk of dying from SIDS as babies who sleep on their backs. When a baby’s face is turned toward the bedding, he’s in a position to re-breathe the carbon dioxide he exhales, which limits the amount of oxygen he takes in. “When they aren’t getting enough oxygen, most babies will do something to change their environment—they’ll turn their heads, or they’ll sigh, or they’ll yawn,” says Rachel Moon, M.D., an associate professor of pediatrics at George Washington University School of Medicine in Washington, DC. “But babies who die of SIDS don’t wake up when they get into trouble, and we don’t fully understand why.”

One of the most plausible theories may be a brain-stem abnormality that affects the brain’s ability to make and use serotonin—a theory corroborated by a new Italian study which found that serotonin overproduction caused SIDS-like deaths in mice—and it may be responsible for well over half of all cases. Along with its role affecting mood, serotonin helps regulate breathing and arousal. If that arousal center isn’t functioning properly, a baby sleeping in a position that limits his oxygen may not wake up in time. This discovery, made by researchers at Children’s Hospital Boston, helps explain why SIDS rates drop dramatically after 6 months and disappear entirely at one year: The brain stem continues to mature, and even abnormal brain stems are eventually able to process serotonin appropriately.

The many sides of SIDS

As encouraging as this research is, it’s become increasingly clear that the syndrome likely has several biological explanations, with different babies dying for different physiological reasons—and that complicates the mystery even more. Along with brain-stem problems, researchers are also looking into undiagnosed genetic anomalies that cause no symptoms but are ultimately fatal. A metabolic disorder called MCADD (medium chain acyl-CoA dehydrogenase deficiency), for instance, impairs the baby’s ability to process fatty acids, eventually causing a sudden and fatal interruption in heart function. Another condition is long QT syndrome, an electrical disorder in the heart that causes sudden bursts of extremely rapid heartbeats and can lead to cardiac arrest. MCADD and long QT syndrome account for fewer than 15 percent of SIDS cases, but both disorders can be successfully treated if caught in time by a blood test; unfortunately, these tests aren’t routine in most states.

Although some infants seem to be at greater genetic risk for SIDS, it’s also possible that all babies are susceptible if the factors are strong enough at the time of greatest vulnerability. “It probably takes more of a stressor to tip a baby who has no predisposition over into SIDS than it takes for a genetically susceptible baby, but it could still happen,” says Dr. Moon.

Preliminary research also suggests that babies who begin daycare before 4 months of age, like Jake Haberzettl, may be at increased risk as well. In the most recent AAP analysis, about 20 percent of all SIDS deaths occurred while the baby was in the care of someone other than a parent. One third of the infants died during the first week of childcare, and half those deaths occurred on the very first day. “It may be that starting a new routine interrupts the baby’s sleep cycle, so that when he finally does fall asleep, he sleeps too deeply,” says Dr. Moon. It may also be that some providers don’t recognize the risks of tummy sleeping, and that’s a particularly dangerous situation: Babies who are accustomed to sleeping on their backs are 18 times more likely to die from SIDS when put down to sleep on their stomachs. That’s why it’s important for parents to emphasize safe-sleeping practices with their providers.

Eventually, researchers hope that it will be possible to create a diagnostic test to identify the babies most at risk for SIDS. “But our real dream is to develop some sort of protection to use through the risk period,” says Dr. Krous. Reaching that goal will take a lot more funding, a lot more research, and more accurate information from death-scene investigations. As Dr. Krous says, “That’s a long way off, but that’s the dream. To save lives.”

Melissa Haberzettl shares this dream. In March, she gave birth to a second son, Dylan Jacob, whose middle name is a tribute to the older brother he’ll never know. “I was nervous about trying to get pregnant again,” says Melissa, “but Rudy and I both said to ourselves, ‘We have to try.’ ” (To make sure his risk was low, Dylan was tested for both MCADD and long QT syndrome, but he has neither.) And she continues to keep up with SIDS research. “I’m hopeful that in my lifetime, people will say, ‘SIDS? What’s that?’ And no other family will have to go through what we did when Jake died.”

Back to Parenting

2011-04-18T12:41:00.000-06:00

This Thursday the 21st marks the year anniversary of our Tess's death. Today I am feeling like why can't I just wake up from this freaking nightmare. I know it has been a year, but it seems like it just happened yesterday. I don't want an angel.....I want my daughter back. The situation I am in right now, is I know, making me so emotional. If I let myself I can feel really guilty for being pregnant and for trying to move on without her. Everything feels like deja vu. I feel so much guilt still for what happened that morning. I wonder everyday what I could've done differently and what I did wrong. I was her mother. She was in my care and I let her down. She was my third child and I really felt like I know what I was doing. I felt as if I knew how to be a good mom and I turned out to be the worst mother ever. I wonder everyday if she misses me. I know she knew me and maybe she even knew that her stay her on earth was going to so short. She was already my best friend. I know I will get through this week, because like a friend said, "You have already been through the most awful thing that you will ever have to experience in your life. You are forced to be strong."

The Lights of My Life

2011-04-17T23:31:00.000-06:00

I know I was born to be the mother of these two precious girls. They are growing up so fast, but are both at such a fun age. They have been my backbone this last year and have helped me in ways they will probably never know. I love them so.

What A Difference a Year Makes

2011-04-14T10:21:00.000-06:00

We are still living aren't we? Has it really been a year and have we really survived this? I have had so many emotions the last couple of days. When we lost Tess, several people told me that the first year would be the hardest. I do feel like I am starting to come out of a sort of fog. That doesn't mean that I don't still have really cruddy days where I feel sorry for myself and still question why? I have struggled with what I did wrong and how could such a healthy baby girl just die with no explanation. It still doesn't seem fair. I don't drink, don't smoke, I breastfed all my kids, none of them have ever been in daycare and I thought I knew what I was doing as a mother of a new infant. I think it would be easier to deal with if we knew why she died. Having no closure is some sort of torture. I have come to the realization that you really can't prevent SIDS. You can do everything right and if they are going to be taken by SIDS......they will be taken.

I am still grieving and at the same time preparing my home and my heart to welcome a new baby. I know that this will be such a joy and blessing to our family. As my due date becomes closer, I do feel a lot of anxiety. I am scared to bring a new baby home and am scared how I will handle the insecurities I have as a mother. I know that I chose this and I know that if I wasn't up for the challenge that I probably wouldn't be pregnant now. I pray that I can find some peace in the next few weeks as we wait on little Saylor's arrival and that I will be comforted when we bring him home.

What a difference a year makes. I know that my Tessie is with our Heavenly Father and she probably is looking down on me and routing me on. I know that my brother Jesus Christ is mindful of me and of my heartache. I am so thankful for his Atonement, so that I might have a chance to be with Tess and with all my children forever. I am trying to count my blessings each day and focus on "what is" rather than "what is not". I have so many things to be thankful for.

Blah Blah Blah

2011-03-15T21:58:00.001-06:00

It will be eleven months in a few days. Eleven months since my baby was breathing, cooing, nursing and living. I have been struggling the last few days thinking about this. It seems that since almost a year has gone by, people have forgotten her. No one ever mentions her anymore and even sometimes when I mention her, they want to change the subject. But then what are they supposed to ask about? How is Tess? How is she doing in her little grave? I just can't seem to reconcile the fact that there really isn't anything to say about her. She isn't growing or progressing in this life. She won't start crawling or walking. She won't say "mama" or "dada". I read and hear people talking about their sick kids. Sometimes you can't help, but complain about a sleepless night or a teething baby who won't stop fussing. I have even been told a couple of times how lucky I am to have so much free time during the day or how lucky I am to get to sleep in. I kind of feels like a slap in the face, because I would give anything to be sleep deprived again, with a fussy baby. That morning is always on my mind. I think about it at least fifty times a day. It was the scariest thing that I have ever experienced. I felt like a part of me was taken when the coroner took my girl away that day. Another part was left in the ground when she was buried. I still haven't gotten over the shock of it all and it has been almost a year? I still can't believe my baby is not here.

My Cup Is Half Full

2011-02-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

I hope that none of you has ever lost a child. I pray that you never will. I still wish everyday that my 2 month old daughter had not died that morning of SIDS. I have laid in bed, staring at the wall for countless hours since this has happened wondering why? I have screamed, yelled, cried more than I knew any person could and felt sorry for myself. I have asked myself what good came out of all this sadness and tragedy. For months there wasn't one thing good that I could or would say that I had learned from this. Last week was my little girl's first birthday. For many weeks I have been so scared for this milestone to get here. It came and I handled it so much better than I ever could have imagined. I also decided to try and think about what blessings, if any have come from all of this. The first thing I thought of is the lessons that Tess's passing has taught to my children. They have learned more compassion and love for each other and for their family. I think that at a young age they know as much as they can understand that life shouldn't be taken for granted. Another thing that came to mind was how much my marriage and relationship with my sweet husband Bryan has been strengthened over this past year. Lots of families and couples don't withstand this type of tragedy. We have only become closer and I feel our marriage is so much richer because of what we have been through together. I love him so much and have been so blessed to have him as my partner these past ten years. Tonight as I write this, I still feel an immense sorrow in my heart and soul. On the bright side there are starting to be glimpses of joy again and I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for that. Right now I have decided that my cup is half full!

Mysterious Ways.......

2011-01-02T19:00:00.001-07:00

Just had the most amazing thing happen tonight. I was listening to a song and especially to the lyrics that have really touched me. The first two verses are:

When you lose something,
it's all that you want back.
You waited patiently.
But it don't work like that.

When you lose someone,
the first thing that goes through your head,
is if you run fast enough,
you just might catch up.
But it don't work like that

At the exact moment that I was singing along with these lyrics and lamenting the past, I felt this new life in my womb move. It was the most surreal experience and very humbling. I have learned that the Lord doesn't always work like you want him to either. I have questioned Him so much over the last several months and just when it feels like He is not there for me....I am brought to my knees by Him once again.
This life that we are all living doesn't make sense to us at times and I am here to tell you that if you try to understand it all on your own, you will never. You have to surrender to the Lord because He is the one that knows what is best. Eight months ago a life was taken from our family and just a few short months later a life was created. I have to faith that this is how the plan was supposed to happen.

I feel extremely blessed for all of the blessings that I have. I have a good husband and two darling little girls. I have wonderful parents who have always stood beside me. I have a Heavenly Father who is there for me even when I have turned my back on Him so many times the last several months. In 2011 the main thing that I am going to try to do is to surrender my will to Him. I am thankful that He always gives me a second chance.

The Holidays

2010-11-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

My blog has turned into me always venting it seems. It hit me today, as we go into Thanksgiving week, how hard the holidays are gonna be this year. It is like I can find any reason to be reminded that my daughter isn't here. On the only shopping trip that I ever took Tess on, my mom and I bought her a few first Christmas outfits. I thought of those sweet things and how they were just in my storage unit packed away. I don't know why the memory of that shopping trip and the thought of those outfits made me want to die. Tess will not get to have a first Christmas with us and I won't get to have a first Christmas with her. I feel like my soul is constantly being pulled in two directions. I want to be with my children here and I know that they need me, but I also long to be with my daughter who isn't here. The anger and longing is enough to make me crazy. I literally feel sometimes like I am losing my mind. I didn't know a person could feel such heartache and cry so many tears.

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

A Wonderful Blessing......Why Am I Sad?

2010-10-19T21:28:00.000-06:00

We found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant. My obgyn put me on clomid about 6 weeks ago and the first month on it, I got pregnant. It seems like a miracle considering my last two girls were five years apart. We thought that I was going to have more trouble getting pregnant and that is why we decided to start trying so soon after Tess passed. I never thought it would happen this soon and though I am ecstatic, I am also really sad. I feel guilty for feeling happy, knowing that my daughter is dead. I feel anxious all the time, thinking of all the things that can happen to this baby. I found this blog tonight that talks about pregnancy after SIDS and the woman that wrote it, describes the feelings I am having exactly.

The decision has been made and the little pink/blue line has appeared...CONGRATULATIONS! You are going to have another beautiful baby. You will go through the typical pregnancy symptoms that all moms-to-be go through...morning sickness, ach...es and pains, bloating etc. But YOU will also go through something much more. Instead of exclusively feeling joy, you may find that sadness and fear creeps into your pregnancy. You find yourself panicked at the thought of losing another baby...you find yourself worried about whether you will bond as closely with this baby as you did with your SIDS baby...you will entertain thoughts of mortality and the uncertainty of the future. YOUR pregnancy is not the one that is written about in all the pregnancy books and magazines on the market. YOUR pregnancy is a pregnancy after a devastating loss...and that DOES make a difference. Along with your growing excitement (and belly!) your fears will grow.

I pray that the Lord will give me the faith to know that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to.

October is SIDS Awareness Month

2010-10-13T08:20:00.000-06:00

SIDS is responsible for roughly 50 deaths per 100,000 births in the US, including the death of my daughter Tess.
SIDS most commonly occurs between the ages of 1 and 4 months. My daughter was 10 weeks old.

SIDS becomes the leading cause of death in otherwise healthy babies after one month of age yet there is very little funding for research on what really causes SIDS.

Sudden infant death rate is at an all time low. Since 1983, the rate of SIDS has fallen by over 50 percent.

Even though the SIDS death rate has fallen by 50 percent there are about 2,500 deaths per year in the United States, and thousands more throughout the world.

For more information on SIDS or to learn ways to help please visit http://www.sids.org/ndonate.htm

This post is in loving memory of my daughter
Tess Alexandra
02/08/10-04/21/10

Putting Myself Out There

2010-10-01T02:04:00.000-06:00

Those of you who know me know that I have always been a very open person who just tells it like it is. I realized tonight that I have shared way too much of myself on Facebook tonight and will hopefully not make that mistake again. One of the reasons I have done this, good or bad, is because most of my dearest friends are over a thousand miles away from me during this difficult time. It has allowed me the outlet that I needed at times too. I also have made the mistake of only venting on Facebook when I tend to be having a rough moment and I am sorry that ya'll havent seen more good ones, because I have had them. I was made aware tonight by a concerned person that I needed to stop the pity, move on and that I needed serious psychological therapy. (their exact words) I just wanted to say that I am sorry if I have made anyone think I wanted their pity and if my negative comments have been too much. I will not put myself out there again in such a personal way, especially on Facebook. I don't know how I am doing in my path of healing, but I am trying my best to do the best I can. I am also sorry if I have made anyone feel alienated by any of my comments because that was never my intention. I have appreciated, loved and will be eternally grateful for everyone who has left me a sweet comment or has prayed for my family and I. Maybe I should be doing better or acting a certain way, but I have never done any of this before and I am learning as I go....as we pick up the pieces.

Five Months

2010-09-29T17:15:00.000-06:00

It has been five months since I saw her sweet face. Five months since I held her, smelled her, nursed her and loved on her. I was driving down the road a couple of days ago and it hit me that I hadn't seen my daughter in five months. I must still be in some sort of denial because it will still shock me sometimes that my baby is dead....that she is gone and not coming back in my lifetime. This is the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do. There is no manual on how to carry on after you bury your child. I wish there were because sometime I feel lost and I don't know how to be the person that I thought I was anymore. I wish I weren't the mother that lost the baby to SIDS, but now that is a part of me and will be forever.

I do know that I am also the mother of two beautiful girls that need me so much. Avery with her tenderhearted sensitive little personality and Scarlett who is our little spitfire. I know I have to get up everyday and continue to be their mother because that is what the deserve. They have been my saving grace these first few months and continue to have that childlike innocence about life that I am thankful they have not lost.

I am doing so much better than I was even a month or so ago. I know that it was the Lord's will that Tess was taken. This poem was sent to me by a dear sweet mother who has lost two of her children. It helped put things in perspective for me.

To All Parents
by Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

Tess' Song

2010-09-13T22:37:00.000-06:00

A New Attitude

2010-08-18T08:52:00.000-06:00

I havent written or updated my blog in such a long time and the thought of doing so, made me so sad. For those of you dont know, we lost our precious Tess Alexandra to SIDS when she was 10 weeks old. The 21st will mark 4 months that she has been gone. The last four months have been a total blur. I have been on a total roller coaster of emotions and most of the dips have been pretty low. I will think that I am feeling really good and then something will happen or maybe nothin at all and I will be right back down in the dumps again. I guess that is what loss, grief and sorrow are all about. I miss my precious baby so much each day, but am so thankful for my Avery and Scarlett who help me get out of the bed and carry on. I was reading a friends blog today and loved this quote that she had posted from one of our beloved prophets.
"I remind you....regardless of your present age, you are building your life;...it can be full of joy and happiness, or it can be full of misery. It all depends upon you and your attitudes... for your altitude, or the height you climb, is dependent upon your attitude or your response to situations."

- Spencer W. Kimball
Starting right this second I am making a commitment to give thanks to my Heavenly Father for at least one thing that I have been blessed or am currently blessed with everyday. I will not let my daughter's death be the emotional and spiritual death of me. She and my other two don't deserve that. I still want to be the crazy, goofy, strong and talented woman that I know I am. Starting today I have a new attitude!!!!

OUR NEW ADDITION!!!!!

2010-03-14T22:30:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I haven't updated my blog in so long. I have been a little busy and I would be lying if I didn't also say a little overwhelmed the last few weeks. We welcomed Tess Alexandra Stratton on February 8, 2010. She was almost three weeks early, but my doctor decided she needed to come out. It seems like she has always been with us and we adore her. Her sisters think that everything she does is so wonderful and even a little toot can send them into hysterics!! Still can't believe that I have three little girls, but I am so thankful for them. Here are a few pics of us the last few weeks.

The Princess and The Frog

2009-12-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

The mine that Bryan works for has an annual Christmas function for the families of their employees. They rented out one of the movie theatres here in Gillette, and we got to see The Princess and the Frog. We all went and had a really good time. Bryan went with us after working all night and only getting a few hours of sleep. He really takes every opportunity to spend time with us, especially the girls. After the movie, the girls got to see Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus. Scarlett sat in his lap, but Avery wasn't having any of it. She is a little shy and I think Santa's weird get-up kind of freaks her out. Santa gave them both Walmart giftcards that they are totally excited about. Scarlett even slept with her's tonight. I love how kids are so content and happy with the simplest things.

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-12-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

Bryan worked on Thanksgiving day, but was off for the whole Black Friday weekend. We had our Thanksgiving dinner on Friday and it was delicious as usual, thanks to my Mama who can seriously cook!! I was in charge of making the salad and I also made a raspberry cheesecake. My sister Carly and her family came up from SLC to spend it here with us in Gillette. The highlight for us was getting to see her little man Beckam. The girls love him and couldn't get enough of him. It makes me think how good they are going to be with the new baby. We all went to see New Moon(which I hated. Bryan went as well and hysterically laughed the entire time. That got old.) We also went bowling and just did a lot of eating and spending time with each other.

The Winter Here Won't Phase Us!!!!

2009-12-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

Avery and Scarlett will ask, almost on a daily basis, for either their Daddy or I to take them to get into the hot tub. They don't care if it is 70 degrees or 30. I took them a couple of weeks ago and I should have snapped some photos of me. I had my parka on the whole time. I think it was only in the high 30's this afternoon, but it didn't put a damper on their fun. I had to take some pics. They are so funny!!

Halloween 2009

2009-11-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

We started our Halloween festivities yesterday afternoon, when Bryan took the girls to our ward's trunk or treat. I sent Bryan with the camera and as I was uploading the photos last night I realized that the shutter is almost closed in all of the pics. Ugh!!
After trunk or treat, we carved pumpkins and the girls loved it. Scarlett and I bought the pumpkins way back on Monday and they were the only ones that I could find in Gillette. I don't guess we will find many pumpkin patches here in Wyoming. Notice the blue gloves that I bought the other day to color Carly's hair. Avery insisted that we wear them. I think it is funny that my girls are so prissy, just like their mama!!
After we finished the pumpkins, we headed over to my parents house to do a little trick or treating in their neighborhood. Bryan took the girls around while I stayed and handed out candy. When they finished Scarlett sat on the front porch with us and I think loved handing out the candy even more than getting it for herself. She didnt want anyone else to do it.
Once the trick or treaters died down, we ate Quiznos and waited for PawPaw to come home from work. We were so tired when the night finally came to a close, but we put the kids in bed and watched a scary movie. Good Times!!!

It's A Girl !!!!!

2009-10-27T12:49:00.000-06:00

We are having another girl. We found out last week and all I could do when the sonogram tech gave me the news was laugh. Avery and Scarlett are so excited to have a baby sister to help take care of. We can't wait to meet the new little diva.

Papaw Tefteller

2009-10-02T09:43:00.000-06:00

My dad is and always has been such a great example to me. He has always been someone that I could talk to and confide in. He has lived his life in a way that has always made me proud to call him my father. There are so many things that he has taught me as a child and as an adult. My dad always looks for the best in people. He is never one to talk about others and has shown me that he really does love his fellow man. He has always been the hardest worker and has lived his whole life to support his family not only financially, but spiritually as well. This whole move to Wyoming has been a little challenging for all of us, but I am very thankful that my girls have the chance to know their grandfather and I hope they realize one day what a Christlike example he was to all of us.

Girls Start School

2009-09-28T14:04:00.000-06:00

I haven't updated my blog, so I thought I should work on it a little. The girls started school again this month after a long relaxing 3 month summer. Scarlett started preschool for the first time and was so excited. She only goes for half a day and seems to really be thriving and loving it. Avery is super bright, but if I let her stay home from school everyday, she would be happy. I think I was a little like that myself. She was excited to start 2nd grade because I think it made her feel like a big girl. Both of my girls were super excited to pick out what they were going to wear. Scarlett is especially particular about how she looks and gets very upset if her hair or outfit doesnt measure up to her standards. Her dad has had to have a few talks with her about just wearing what mom puts out for you and she is getting better.

Some Unexpected News!!

2009-07-23T14:30:00.000-06:00

As I blogged about a while back, Avery and Scarlett went to Dollywood with my parents and a few of my siblings. They were gone for almost 10 days. The whole time they were gone I felt sick. I first had some sort of sinus infection and had a bad cough and I felt like I just couldn't shake it. I was so tired and I started feeling really sick to my stomach, like 24/7. Well my kids got back and I started thinking that my symptoms felt really familiar. I didnt tell anyone and on a whim I bought a pregnancy test. This wouldnt be that big of a deal except for the fact that I was told a few months ago that I wouldnt be able to have anymore kids without the help of IVF or something like that. They said that my tubes were closed and that it wasnt going to happen. Well I took the test and it was positive. WTH!!!! I was over at my parents house at the time and no one knew I was even thinking this, so I come out of the bathroom and ask my Mom what in the world. I was shocked and actually a little irritated. I felt like I had been on an emotional roller coaster and I didnt know what to think. Needless to say, I called my obgyn the very next morning and told them they needed to get me in ASAP, so that I knew what was going on. I went in and they did an ultrasound and everything looked normal. We even got to hear the babies heartbeat. They doctor was kind of speechless.....he didnt know what to say. I asked him, how can I be pregnant if my tubes are closed. There was no answer. I guess it was just meant to be. I am really happy and the girls are so excited, but I have been so sick. I was in the hospital last week for 3 days because I got so dehydrated from throwing up so much and not being able to keep anything down. I am feeling a bit better but I remembered really fast how hard my pregnancies are. I am very thankful for this gift and pray that everything turns out good.

A Little Outdoor Fun

2009-07-03T16:06:00.000-06:00

While our girls were gone Bryan took 7 days off and we planned to spend some much needed alone time together. The day the girls left Bryan and I both came down with some kind of bug and were both feeling really icky for a couple of days. We finally decided to get our butt's out of the house and got our camping gear together and headed up to the Big Horns. It is about 100 miles away from Gillette and was a nice drive. We finally got to the mountains and then Bryan took about two more hours driving around to find the perfect camping spot. It had to be just right with the perfect fishing spot. It was kind of hysterical, but started to get to be a little much. We finally found the spot and set up camp. Everything was nice except it was freezing that night and I even had on several layers of clothing. The next morning Bryan got up and made me breakfast in bed(or tent), which consisted of eggs and sausage on the fire. He then wasted no time fishing while I slept for a couple of more hours.
I finally joined him and had a great time fishing. I took a few pics of our day there and of the beautiful scenery.
A serious fisherman that definitely needs some waders!

I don't really know what I am doing, but I am having fun.

This is where we fished all day. So beautiful.

A friendly moose strolled up while Bryan was fishing. Yes we live in Wyoming.

Missing My Two Little Shadows

2009-06-24T00:03:00.000-06:00

Avery and Scarlett left yesterday on a vacation to Nashville with their ReeRee and PawPaw. They went to visit my brother Adam, sister in law Rachel and their two favorite cousins Rikki and Tye. I could have gone with them, but really just wanted some alone time and more importantly some adult time with my cute husband. They haven't even been gone for two days and I am already starting to get really sad. I have never been away from them, but for a couple of days at a time. They really are my best friends. They were so excited to go and are having the time of their life, so I am just trying to remember that when I feel like crying.

Music Day

2009-04-02T21:34:00.000-06:00

Going to town on the xylophone.

We love music.

This was the look!!!

Today, Paintbrush Elementary had Music Day and asked the parents to come join in our first grader's music class. It was a lot of fun and very interactive. We played instruments and sang along with the kids. I know Avery loved having me there, but she is getting to the age where she is almost a little embarrassed if she thinks I am calling attention to myself at all. When I started snapping a few pics she gave me a look, which I thought was funny, but I put my camera away. On the way home, she said that it was "awkward" (that is her new word) when I was snapping shots. I can not believe my sweet baby is getting so big.

Let us love winter, for it is the spring of genius. - Pietro Aretino

2009-04-02T00:44:00.000-06:00

It seems like we have been couped up for so long now. We have only been here for a few months, but many have said that this is the worst winter Wyoming has seen in a while. Last week we experienced our first blizzard and needless to say, it was something to see. Bryan was stranded in a motel about 40 miles away for a couple of days, while the girls and I were stuck here. Avery didn't have school for 3 days last week and I even had to get my daddy to come get us to take us grocery shopping. The day after the big storm, the girls begged their dad and I to take them down to the hot tub. I was not about to get my bathing suit on in 30 degree weather, but they have their daddy wrapped around their finger. Here are some pics that I took, which I think are priceless. It was so pretty that night and they loved playing in the snow while being in the warm water.

A Much Needed Date Night

2009-03-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

Bryan and I haven't been out anywhere alone in probably six months. We weren't even able to celebrate our anniversary together in November because Bryan was in Wyoming while I was still back in Texas. So last Saturday night we got dressed up, Bryan attempted to cut his hair(because I felt to lazy at that moment to cut it) and we were able to go to dinner together. It doesn't sound too exciting, but was a big treat to us. We decided on a place called Humphrey's, mainly because Bryan was wanting a big juicy steak so bad. We got seated to only realize that we were sitting right beside a table of six redneck cowboys. They were talking so loud and using such offensive language that we asked the waitress to move us to a different table. She apologized and seated us in the family section. She also said that the group had been there for a while and were probably pretty hammered. We ordered really great food and I even orderd a Wyoming Salad which reminded me of home. It had sirloin and fried okra with lots of other fixings that made me think of East Texas. We left and were going to see a movie, but decided to rent a couple instead. Avery ended staying the night with ReeRee, but Scarlett wasn't having it. We got her home where she was put right to bed and spent the rest of the night vegging and watching a movie. The time that I spend with Bryan at this point in our marriage is so precious to me, because it isn't as much as we would like. You are my best friend, my home , my family and I loved spending the weekend with you baby.

Bryan badly needing a haircut, trying to cut his hair in the mirror. I did cut it the next morning before church.

Not The News I Wanted

2009-03-06T10:13:00.001-07:00

I had a procedure done on Wednesday called a hysterosalpingogram. This is and xray exam done by a radiologist where he injects dye into my cervix to the uterine cavity. This was done to see if my fallopian tubes were open. If they are open the dye flows into the tubes and spills out into the abdominal cavity. Well, I found out a couple of things. First I have what is called a bicornuate (heartshaped) uterus. The doctor thought that by the way half of my uterus looked, because it is split in two, that only one of my fallopian tubes probably every has been functional. The tube that was open and allowed me to get pregnant is now totally closed because of scar tissue and adhesions, probably from my csections. So, basically the doctor told me that I should be very thankful to have the two children that I did have and that they were miracles. The heartshaped uterus really doesn't affect most women from getting pregnant, but lots of them end up going into preterm labor, having miscarriages or having breach babies because the baby is growing on one side and there is not enough room for them to grow there. Avery was a breach baby, therefore I had a csection. Anyway, I was pretty devastated when I found this out and have been a bit down the last couple of days. I also feel that I would be so ungrateful to my Heavenly Father to not be so thankful to have been able to have the two sweet daughters that we have been blessed to have. As I got dressed after the procedure, I kept thinking of a dear friend I have who is unable to have children and what heartache she has. Her only sister has been blessed with four kids and I'm sure the whole infertility process has been devastating. My heart goes out to her. I am trying to understand and accept these new circumstances and be thankful for my little family.

Baby Hungry

2009-02-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling like I wanted another baby for a while now. For the last four years, since Scarlett was born, we have not done anything to prevent another pregnancy. I have kept thinking that I would get pregnant when the time was right, since I had no problem getting pregnant with my first two. Well for the last few months I have felt a little more urgent in my pursuit for a baby. It hasn't helped either that in our new ward, there seems to be like 15 newborns. ( I could be exaggerating a little.) Anyway, I went to see my gynecologist last week to address the issue of my not being able to get pregnant. He told me that we would do a xray of my uterus to make sure my tubes were clear and if we needed to he would prescribe me a fertility medication that helps you ovulate. He also assured me that my age probably wasnt a factor in all of this. I left the office feeling kind of excited at the possibility of having a new little one in our home.

Precious Words

2009-02-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, the girls and I went to Walmart. When checking out, they both wanted a sucker, and of course I gave in. We got in the car and as they were opening them, Scarlett realized her sucker was broken and in pieces. She was devastated, as you can imagine a 4 year old might be. Without blinking an eye, Avery offered her sucker to her sister. She then told me, " Mom, we shouldn't worry about things like suckers and stuff." " We should worry about our family and how they feel." " It makes me feel so good to give my sucker to Scarlett to make her happy." At that moment I felt such gratitude to the Lord for sending such a precious spirit to live in our home. I was so thankful to hear those wise words from my seven year old daughter.

Christmas In Wyoming

2009-01-11T21:40:00.001-07:00

We spent our Christmas here in Gillette. All of my siblings were here, and we had a good time just hanging out and trying to keep warm. ( it was really cold over Christmas!!!) Avery, Scarlett, Rikki, and Tye enjoyed being with one another and ReeRee loved having all of her grandkids here.

Let's Do This

2009-01-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, my brother Adam has been living in Nashville for several years. He has been pursuing a music career and has had some success, but always seemed right on the edge of making it. He is an amazing singer and has been crafting his songwriting as well. Well it seems to have paid off. Disney Channel bought a song that Hannah Montana just released as her upcoming single from her soon to be released movie soundtrack. They are already broadcasting the video on the Disney Channel and are playing it on the radio as well. Adam and I have always been so close, maybe because of our shared love of music. I am so proud of him for following his dream. This is big news in my house. Avery thinks he is famous and just knows that he is going to help her meet Miley Cyrus. LOL!

Carly Got Married!!!

2008-11-28T01:02:00.000-07:00

I flew to SLC to attend my sister Carly's wedding on Nov. 15th. We all stayed at my Uncle Glen and Aunt Shirline's house in Highland and had a really great time. I was so excited for Carly because I think she has really chosen a special guy to spend her life with. I can't get over that she is actually married because I can still remember when my parents brought her home from the hospital. I was so excited to finally have a sister after ten years. She is all grown up and it made me a little sad.

Fall!

2008-11-28T00:55:00.000-07:00

One day after Scarlett and I had picked up Avery from school, we took a few pictures in front of a tree in my best friends yard. I have always thought that fall was the prettiest time in East Texas and am going to miss all of the different colors on the trees. I also thought of how much my girls have been growing and changing from season to season.

Big Changes!!

2008-11-28T00:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while so I thought that I would try to catch up everyone on what is going on with us. We have decided to move to Wyoming and will leave on Dec. 9. I am still in shock a little bit, but excited as well. Bryan got a new job that he is excited about and another perk is that we will be living in the same town as my parents. Avery and Scarlett are so excited to live close to their Ree Ree and Paw Paw. The weather is something that all of us will have to get used to, especially moving there in the middle of winter. Bryan has been away from us, working for over a month. We have all missed him so much and can't wait to be reunited. I am here taking care of the girls and trying to pack up our house.

Daddy Dearest

2008-09-22T23:50:00.002-06:00

Bryan and I have been married for almost 8 years. I can't tell you how many times since we have had kids that people have commented to me what a good dad he seems to be. Women at church have come up to me, girls at work, and just almost every friend I have all have complimented him. I have always just thanked them and never really thought much about this praise until recently. I don't know anyone that is more attentive, loving or tender to their children than Bryan is to ours. He is so involved with every aspect of their life and has been since they were both born. He is the type of dad that if he goes fishing, golfing, or even to the gym, he takes them with him. Since I have been in school and now working, he helps them get ready some mornings and even takes the time to put Scarlett's hair in her favorite ponytail. He made Avery's lunch this morning and tried to put all of her favorite things in there for her to enjoy. A couple of weeks ago Avery really wanted to make homemade lemonade, so Bryan went to the grocery store and bought lemons to help her squeeze. She thought that was the coolest thing. He makes homemade pancakes or waffles(their choice)every Saturday morning for them, which they look forward to and always remember. Scarlett goes to work with him on some days and the other day he even let her help paint a car, just to have to go back and fix it later. He knew it would make her feel special. I could go on and on with the special moments he creates for our two daughter and for our family. We love you Daddy!

2008-09-22T23:50:00.001-06:00

Gilmer Buckeyes

2008-09-22T23:02:00.000-06:00

Avery, Scarlett and I went to the Buckeyes homecoming game. For those of you that don't know, football season in the south is like another religion. The town shuts down and pretty much the whole town is in attendance at the friday night games. The girls were excited to put on their cheerleading outfits and to see the band, drill team and cheerleaders perform. I don't really get into football, but we sat with friends and had a good time. It was very crowded and after a while, I felt like I needed to stretch my legs. We went to the concession stand and on the way stopped to get the girls face painted. They loved it and I was able to go back and stick it out through the rest of the game. Go BUCKS!!!!

Going To The Lake

2008-09-22T22:29:00.000-06:00

Bryan and I took the girls to the Hawkins Lake a couple of times over the summer. The girls loved going there because of the fake beach they have. Avery had fun making little sandcastles and then watching a couple of little bitty boys come kick them down. They had a funny game going for a good while. We took a picnic lunch and had such a fun day as a family.

First Day of First Grade

2008-09-22T21:51:00.000-06:00

Avery was excited to start school again this year and even had some trouble sleeping the night before. We had already gone and met her teacher the previous week and she was hoping that some of her friends from kindergarten would be in her first grade class. As we walked in she saw a couple of familiar faces and gave her new teacher a big hug. She did get a little embarrassed when Mama wouldn't stop taking pictures which is another sign of her getting so big.

Anticipated Dinner at IHOP!!

2008-09-22T21:16:00.000-06:00

Avery had been asking me for a few weeks, if we could go to IHOP and get those silly face pancakes. I think we had breakfast there last Christmas on our way to Wyoming and Avery remembered them fondly. We decided to go have breakfast there for dinner a few weeks ago. The girls ordered pancakes and were so excited to eat them. I love how everything is so new to my girls and the joy that little things bring them. Bryan and I have so much fun being kids with them too.

Making Memories

2008-07-23T23:11:00.000-06:00

Here is a picture of all the kids. Rachel 12, Christian 15, Scarlett 3, Sam 13 and Avery 6.

The Competitive Strattons

2008-07-23T22:50:00.000-06:00

You know if there are any Strattons congregated together there is going to be some sort of game playing. While Bryan's children and parents were visiting there were quite a few games of Monopoly, Phase 10, and chess played. One game of Phase 10 ran into the wee hours of the morning and lasted four hours or so. Not to mention the guys usual 5:00 am round of golf. The boys stayed up late playing video games with their dad and showed him a thing or two I'm sure. Competitiveness definitely runs through the Stratton veins. Good times!!!!

Six Flags Yippee!!!

2008-07-23T21:55:00.000-06:00

While Bryan's kids were with us we took them to Six Flags. My inlaws were also visiting from Seattle and went with us as well. Avery and Scarlett stayed the day with friends so that we could go do all the big rides with the kiddos. Chris, Sam, and Rachel had never been to an amusement park, so even in the middle of July away we went.

The Greatest Blessing

2008-07-23T20:58:00.000-06:00

Bryan's three children from his first marriage came to visit us for the past two weeks. It was the first time for me and the girls to meet them and Bryan actually had not seen them in several years. He drove to North Dakota to pick them up and bring them back to East Texas. I didn't know what to expect and tried to prepare myself for their arrival, while trying to be there for Bryan. I can honestly say that their coming was a great blessing for all of us and I was thankful to witness such a miracle happen. I especially was thankful for the way the Lord opened my eyes and for the first time really see what Bryan has been through. I can't even describe the way the spirit filled my heart with love and compassion for him. It was an experience to have three teenagers plus our two under one roof. It was a lot of work, but I wouldn't trade the last two weeks for anything.

Tagged by Rebecca

2008-06-17T00:02:00.000-06:00

Joys
1. My family. I have parents who are my best friends and who have been a constant example to me. My siblings who I delight in being around. All of them are so different, but all have the most creative, intense and dramatic personalities. I love them. My husband who puts up with my own little slice of drama pretty much everyday. He is my best friend and the good daddy to my kids. Which brings me to my greatest joys. Avery and Scarlett. Avery is my sweet, sensitive 6 year old. She has always been the most affectionate child and is mom's big helper. She has Bryan's calmness, but is at times very dramatic like me. Scarlett is my feisty 3 year old. She has adored her big sister since birth, but has also bossed her around pretty much since she could talk. She loves to always be on the go and wants to be a big girl just like her sister. She is very girly and is obsessed with the color pink.
2. The Lord. I know that I wouldn't have any joy in this life if it wasn't for his plan and for the blessings that he constantly bestows upon me. He is the reason for any happiness at all.
3. I think I pretty much covered this section.

Fears
1. My life without my parents.
2. Something happening to one of my children.
3. Sometimes I fear going to Walmart here in Gilmer, because I know I will see at least 20 people I know and I just don't feel like being social or even being nice. Kinda psycho, huh?

Goals
1. Starting my new career and building up my clientele.
2. Going to the temple with my family.
3. To get in better shape. I am starting to feel my age and its not even funny.

Current Obsessions
1. Watching Jon and Kate Plus Eight. I have to Tivo this every Monday and Scarlett and I watch it. She calls the show "Kids".
2. Hair products. I feel like I have to try every pomade, wax, hairspray, root pump, or putty that there is. You can't even imagine how much money I have spent on haircare in the last year.
3. Sonic diet coke with lime. I love their ice and on most given afternoons you can find me in their drive thru during happy hour.

Random Surprising Facts
1. I love to do laundry.
2. I attended seven different colleges before actually graduating.
3. I go to the movies by myself all the time. When I tell other people that I have done this, they always act like I am weird. I find it very relaxing and almost prefer movie watching alone.

NKOTB 2008

2008-06-14T00:44:00.000-06:00

A few nights ago, I had fallen asleep on the couch with my televison on. I woke up to the new NKOTB video "Summertime" being played on VH1. I had been hearing a rumor for the last few months that they were going on a reunion tour, but didn't really think of it again. Can I just tell you that I have watched the video probably 30 times and am so excited about their upcoming tour and soon to be released album. I feel a little silly and my husband thinks I am totally crazy, but hearing their music makes me giddy and reminds me of my youth. I feel 13 again. I am going to try to get a group of my gals together to go see them in Dallas, so if you are feeling the New Kids vibe let me know. If not my sweet husband said he would take me, so there!!!

Slip Sliding Away

2008-06-06T02:30:00.000-06:00

Scarlett had so much fun sliding down the hill all day on the slip and slide. She reminds me of a little grasshopper right here. She really is Miss Personality.

2008-06-06T02:25:00.000-06:00

Bryan couldn't resist and had to join in the fun, even though he said we had probably used 40 dollars in water today. Ha!

2008-06-06T02:13:00.001-06:00

Avery talked me into dragging the slip and slide out of the garage. We invited some friends over and made a day of it.

Summer Is Here

2008-06-06T01:56:00.000-06:00

The girls loved swimming at a friends house at our weekly playdate. Avery was happy that school had ended the previous day and was excited to start the summer festivities.